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Team America

Table of Contents:

ISIS as Instruments of Proxy War on Western Populations

France funding Syrian rebels in new push to oust Assad

Paris Attacks Reveal Bizarre ISIS Strategy and NATO's Strategy of Tension in Europe

‘France is at war’: Hollande urges more security spending & stripping of citizenship after attacks

***

SONG: I need this, I need love, I need you.

I don't need one heartbeat, I need two

There's an emptiness I need to fill

And only one emptiness will do

Only a woman can brighten up my day

Only a woman can touch me the right way, yeah

Only a woman is allowed to touch me there

All I ask is that you're a woman

[She shits on his face]

Please just be a woman

[TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE]

[PARIS, FRANCE: 3,635 MILES EAST OF AMERICA]

PUPPETEER: Oh, hello.

MOTHER: Jean Francois?
Jean Francois?

JEAN FRANCOIS: Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques, Dormez vous? Dormez vous?

MOTHER: Jean Francois.

[TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE]

POLICE: You in the robes. Put down the weapon of mass destruction ...

and get on the ground. You're under arrest.

JOE: Put down your weapons now!

CHRIS: Why can't they ever do this the easy way?

CARSON: World Police. Get down on the ground!

LISA: Hey, terrorist.

Terrorize this.

CHRIS: All right, let's make this interesting.

You lose.

CARSON: He's getting away with the WMD!

JOE: I got him.

JOE: Damn, I missed him.

CARSON: Sarah, he's got the bomb. You got a fix?

SARAH: I got him, Carson. He's heading for the Louvre.

Your plans are over.

CARSON: All right, Sarah.

JOE: Yeah, all right, team!

SARAH: Nothing to it.

CHRIS: All right.

JOE: Bonjour, everyone. Don't worry. Everything is bon.

We stopped the terrorists.

***

[KIM JONG IL AND THE FILM ACTORS GUILD INVITE YOU TO THE WORLD PEACE CONFERENCE]

KIM JONG IL: Radies and gentlemen.
The Film Actors Guild and Kim Jong Il are preased to welcome you

to the International World Peace Ceremony.

The most important people from every country

are gathered here in soridarity to cerebrate peace.

There will be music, dancing and, of course,

the biggest stars in Horrywood.

In the box to your reft is the mastermind of this spectacurar show,

the multitarented Kim Jong Il.

Oh, herro.

And now we present to you the very best in North Korean music.

KOREAN SOLDIERS: [Singing in Korean]

KOREAN LADY: [Singing in Korean]

[Audience Clapping]

KIM JONG IL: Ten years of pranning, and finarry the night is here.

The terrorists know to be in position by the time Arec Barrwin takes the stage.

That's when I trigger all the WMDs to go off at the same time.
When you see Arec Barrwin,

you will see the true ugriness of human nature.

LISA: Your plan will never work. Something will stop it.

KIM JONG IL: You stupid, naive Team Americans.
You berieve in true rove and happy endings
even while the world around you spirals downward.

LISA: Sometimes believing is all we have.

ALEC BALDWIN: And as the leaders of your countries, you have the power

to bring the world together under the principles of the Film Actors Guild.

DANNY GLOVER: You're gonna knock them dead, Alec.

INTERCOM: Ten minutes, Mr. Baldwin.

***

KIM JONG IL: And now, radies and gentlemen, Mr. Arec Barrwin.

ALEC BALDWIN: We are here to usher in a new era without violence.

By following the rules of the Film Actors Guild,
the world can become a better place

that handles dangerous people with talk and reasoning.

That is the F.A.G. way.
One day you'll all look at the world us actors created and say,
"Wow. Good going, F.A.G.
You really made the world a better place, didn't you, F.A.G.?"

KIM JONG IL: Yes, Arec Barrwin. Too bad there won't be a world reft.

LISA: Oh, God, no.

KIM JONG IL: You see? No Prince Charming rode on a white stallion to save the day.
This is the real world.
I'm afraid your world is over.

In five minutes.

Yes, the ticking crock.

***

GARY: Stop that man.

LISA: Gary!

KIM JONG IL: Team America?

ALEC BALDWIN: Goddamn it.

JOE: Sorry to interrupt the show everyone, but Kim Jong Il
is an international criminal. We're here to arrest him.

ALEC BALDWIN: Oh, no, you're not.
This is a peace conference.

And if you even try to touch Kim Jong Il,

this audience and I will rise up against you.

[Man] Fuck off, Team America!

SPOTTSWOODE/NIHILIST PENIS: Team, there's no time. You have to convince that audience
to let you do your job.

AUDIENCE: [Booing]

JOE: Gary, you've got to take the stage.

GARY: No. I can't upstage Alec Baldwin.
He's the best actor in the world.

JOE: You have to try.

GARY: I'm not that good.

CHRIS: Actually ...

you're the finest actor I've ever met.

AUDIENCE: [Booing]

LISA: Come on, Gary, hurry. You've got to act fast.

GARY: I know you all don't like Team America a whole lot right now,
but Kim Jong Il is a lot worse.

AUDIENCE: [Booing]

ENGLISH WOMAN: [throws a tomato]

ALEC BALDWIN: You can't outact me, boy. Don't even try.

For the truth is that Team America fights for the billion-dollar corporations.
They are just as bad as the enemies they fight.

AUDIENCE: [Clapping]

GARY: Oh, no, we aren't. We're dicks!

We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks.

And the Film Actors Guild are pussies.

"Misogyny .... is a central part of sexist prejudice and ideology and, as such, is an important basis for the oppression of females in male-dominated societies. Misogyny is manifested in many different ways, from jokes to pornography to violence to the self-contempt women may be taught to feel toward their own bodies."

-- Misogyny, by Wikipedia

And Kim Jong Il is an asshole.
Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks.

But dicks also fuck assholes,

assholes who just wanna shit on everything.

Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way.

But the only thing that can fuck an asshole
is a dick with some balls.
The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much.
Or fuck when it isn't appropriate.

SPOTTSWOODE/NIHILIST PENIS: Yes, Gary, yes.

GARY: And it takes a pussy to show them that.

But sometimes pussies get so full of shit

that they become assholes themselves.

Because pussies are only an inch and a half away from assholes.

I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world ...
but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole ...

we are gonna have our dicks and our pussies ...
all covered in shit.

AUDIENCE: [Clapping]

UGANDA MAN: Show us what you're doing, Kim Jong Il.

KIM JONG IL: Do something, Arec Barrwin!

ALEC BALDWIN: The -- Global warming and -- Corporate America --

[Audience] [Booing]

KIM JONG IL: You are worthress, Arec Barrwin.

[Alec Baldwin blown to smithereens]

AUDIENCE: [Screaming]

KIM JONG IL: Don't fucking move! You were all going to be treated

to a faburous show. But now party's over.

For I am the great Kim Jong Il.

GARY: Lisa.

KIM JONG IL: And I am the greatest terrorist ever to have rived.

LISA: Terrorize this.

GARY: Lisa, are you okay?

LISA: No, Gary, the countdown.
You have to stop it.

GARY: What do I do?

LISA: Hit the big "cancel" button!

Gary, how did you manage this?

GARY: Spottswoode helped me.

LISA: Spottswoode? He's alive?

GARY: Lisa, I'm crazy about you. Will you please forgive me if I --?

LISA: Shhh. You had me at "dicks fuck assholes."

SPOTTSWOODE/NIHILIST PENIS: Attention, Attention, everyone.

All you in the audience should go to your homes now.

Your countries need you. But the world will be safe,

thanks to a brilliant actor named Gary Johnston.

AUDIENCE: [Clapping]

SPOTTSWOODE/NIHILIST PENIS: Let me explain to you the kind of man Gary is.
He's a man who knows
that when you put another man's cock in your mouth, you make a pact.
A bond that cannot be broken.
He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees
and put that cock right in his mouth.

AUDIENCE: [Clapping]

LISA: Wait a minute. Look!