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XIV
THE SATURDAY
EVENING after Gurdjieff's return from
America, which had been in the middle of the week, was the first
general "assembly" of everyone at the Prieure, in the study-
house, The study-house was a separate building, originally an air-
plane hangar, There was a linoleum-covered raised stage at
one end, Directly in front of the stage there was a small,
hexagonal fountain, equipped electrically so that various
coloured lights played on the water. The fountain was generally
used only during the playing of music on the piano which was
to the left of the stage as one faced it.
The main part of the building, from the stage to the entrance
at the opposite end, was carpeted with oriental rugs of various
sizes, surrounded by a small fence which made a large, rectan-
gular open space, Cushions, covered by fur rugs, surrounded
the sides of this rectangle in front of the fence, and it was here
that most of the students would normally sit, Behind the fence,
at a higher level, were built-up benches, also covered with
Oriental rugs, for spectators, Near the entrance of the building
there was a small cubicle, raised a few feet from the floor, in
which Gurdjieff habitually sat, and above this there was a
balcon)' which was rarely used and then only for "important"
guests, The cross-wise beams of the ceiling had painted material
nailed to them, and the material hung down in billows,
creating a cloud-like effect, It was an impressive interior-
with a church-like feeling about it, One had the impression
that it would be improper, even when it was empty, to speak
above a whisper inside the building.
On that particular Saturday evening, Gurdjieff sat in his
accustomed cubicle, Miss Madison sat near him on the floor
with her little black book on her lap, and most of the students
sat around, inside the fence, on the fur rugs. New arrivals and
"spectators" or guests were on the higher benches behind the
fence. Mr. Gurdjieff announced that Miss Madison would go
over all the "offences" of all the students and that proper
"punishments" would be meted out to the offenders. All of
the children, and perhaps I, especially, waited with bated
breath as Miss Madison read from her book, which seemed
to have been arranged, not alphabetically, but according to
the number of offences committed. As Miss Madison had
warned me, I led the list, and the recitation of my crimes and
offences was a lengthy one.
Gurdjieff listened impassively, occasionally glancing at one
or another of the offenders, sometimes smiling at the recital
of a particular misdemeanour, and interrupting Miss Madison
only to take down, personally, the actual number of individual
black marks. When she had completed her reading, there was
a solemn, breathless silence in the room and Gurdjieff said,
with a heavy sigh, that we had all created a great burden for
him. He said then that he would give out punishments
according to the number of offences committed. Naturally,
I was the first one to be called. He motioned to me to sit on
the floor before him and then had Miss Madison re-read my
offences in detail. When she had finished, he asked me if I
admitted all of them. I was tempted to refute some of them, at
least in part, and to argue extenuating circumstances, but the
solemnity of the proceedings and the silence in the room
prevented me from doing so. Every word that had been uttered
had dropped on the assemblage with the clarity of a bell. I did
not have the courage to voice any weak defence that might
have come to my mind, and I admitted that the list was
accurate.
With another sigh, and shaking his head at me as if he was
very much put upon, he reached into his pocket and pulled
out an enormous roll of bills. Once again, he enumerated the
number of my crimes, and then laboriously peeled off an
equal number of notes. I do not remember exactly how much
he gave me -- I think it was ten francs for each offence -- but
when he had finished counting, he handed me a sizeable roll
of francs. During this process, the entire room practically
screamed with silence. There was not a murmur from anyone
in the entire group, and I did not even dare to glance in
Miss Madison's direction.
When my money had been handed to me, he dismissed me
and called up the next offender and went through the same
process. As there were a great many of us, and there was not
one individual who had not done something, violated some
rule during his absence, the process took a long time. When he
had gone through the list, he turned to Miss Madison and
handed her some small sum -- perhaps ten francs, or the
equivalent of one "crime" payment -- for her, as he put it,
"conscientious fulfilment of her obligations as director of the
Prieure."
We were all aghast; we had been taken completely by sur-
prise, of course. But the main thing we all felt was a tremendous
compassion for Miss Madison. It seemed to me a senselessly
cruel, heartless act against her. I have never known Miss
Madison's feelings about this performance; except for blushing
furiously when I was paid, she showed no obvious reaction to
anything at all, and even thanked him for the pittance he had
given her.
***
The money that I had received amazed me. It was, literally,
more money than I had ever had at one time in my life. But it
also repelled me. I could not bring myself to do anything with
it. It was not until a few days later, one evening when I had
been summoned to bring coffee to Gurdjieff's room, that the
subject came up again. I had had no private, personal contact
with him -- in the sense of actually talking to him, for instance --
since his return. That evening -- he was alone -- when I had
served him his coffee, he asked me how I was getting along;
how I felt. I blurted out my feelings about Miss Madison and
about the money that I felt unable to spend.
He laughed at me and said cheerfully that there was no
reason why I should not spend the money any way I chose.
It was my money, and it was a reward for my activity of the
past winter. I said I could not understand why I should have
been rewarded for having been dilatory about my jobs and
having created only trouble.
Gurdjieff laughed again and told me that I had much to
learn.
"What you not understand," he said, "is that not everyone
can be troublemaker, like you. This important in life -- is
ingredient, like yeast for making bread. Without trouble,
conflict, life become dead. People live in status-quo, live only
by habit, automatically, and without conscience. You good for
Miss Madison. You irritate Miss Madison all time -- more than
anyone else, which is why you get most reward. Without you,
possibility for Miss Madison's conscience fall asleep. This
money should really be reward from Miss Madison, not from
me. You help keep Miss Madison alive."
I understood the actual, serious sense in which he meant
what he was saying, but I said that I felt sorry for Miss Madi-
son, that it must have been a terrible experience for her when
she saw us all receiving those rewards.
He shook his head at me, still laughing. "You not see or
understand important thing that happen to Miss Madison
when give money. How you feel at time? You feel pity for Miss
Madison, no? All other people also feel pity for Miss Madison,
too."
I agreed that this was so.
"People not understand about learning," he went on.
"Think necessary talk all time, that learn through mind,
through words. Not so. Many things can only learn with feeling,
even from sensation. But because man talk all time -- use only
formulatory centre -- people not understand this. What you
not see other night in study-house is that Miss Madison have
new experience for her. Is poor woman, people not like, people
think she funny -- they laugh at. But other night, people not
laugh. True, Miss Madison feel uncomfortable, feel embar-
rassed when I give money, feel shame perhaps. But when many
people also feel for her sympathy, pity, compassion, even love,
she understand this but not right away with mind. She feel,
for first time in life, sympathy from many people. She not even
know then that she feel this, but her life change; with you, I
use you like example, last summer you hate Miss Madison.
Now you not hate, you not think funny, you feel sorry. You
even like "Miss Madison. This good for her even if she not know
right away -- you will show; you cannot hide this from her,
even if wish, cannot hide. So she now have friend, when used
to be enemy. This good thing which I do for Miss Madison.
I not concerned she understand this now -- someday she under-
stand and make her feel warm in heart. This unusual exper-
ience -- this warm feeling -- for such personality as Miss Madi-
son who not have charm, who not friendly in self. Some-
day, perhaps even soon, she have good feeling because many
people feel sorry, feel compassion for her. Someday she even
understand what I do and even like me for this. But this kind
learning take long time."
I understood him completely and was very moved by his
words. But he had not finished
"Also good thing for you in this," he said. "You young, only
boy still, you not care about other people, care for self. I do
this to Miss Madison and you think I do bad thing. You feel
sorry, you not forget, you think I do bad thing to her. But now
you understand not so. Also, good for you, because you feel
about other person -- you identify with Miss Madison, put self
in her place, also regret what you do. Is necessary put self in
place of other person if wish understand and help. This good
for your conscience, this way is possibility for you learn not
hate Miss Madison. All people same -- stupid, blind, human.
If I do bad thing, this make you learn love other people, not
just self."
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