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THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY -- SCREENPLAY |
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IMPERATALAGALACTICON [Narrator] Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and, on the whole, tax-free. Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and reward amongst the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits were brave, stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. All dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before. And thus was the Empire forged. Many men, of course, became extremely rich, but this was perfectly natural, and nothing to be ashamed of, because no one was really poor -- at least no one worth speaking of.
RICH POOR And for these extremely rich merchants, life eventually became rather dull, and it seemed that none of the worlds they settled on was entirely satisfactory. Either the climate wasn't quite right in the later part of the afternoon, or the day was half an hour too long, or the sea was just the wrong shade of pink.' (GULLS CRY) And thus were created the conditions for a staggering new form of industry -- custom-made luxury planet building. The home of this industry was the planet Magrathea, where vast hyperspatial engineering works were constructed to suck matter through white holes in space and form it into dream planets, lovingly made to meet the exacting standards of the Galaxy's richest men. And so successful was this venture that very soon Magrathea itself became the richest planet of all time, and the rest of the Galaxy was reduced to abject poverty. And so the system broke down.
MERINGUE and a long, sullen silence settled over the Galaxy. Magrathea itself disappeared and its memory soon passed into the obscurity of legend. In these enlightened days, no one believes a word of it. [Ford] I don't believe a word of it.
(SQUEAKING) [Zaphod] Listen to me, Ford, I've found it. I swear I've found it. [Ford] Magrathea? [Zaphod] Yeah! [Ford] A non-existent planet. [Zaphod] Yeah, er no .... Listen ... it's ... [Ford] Myth. Magrathea's a fairy story. What you tell kids if you want them to grow up to become economists. [Zaphod] We are currently in orbit around it! [Ford] YOU may be in orbit around it! [Zaphod] Computer! [Ford] Oh, no! [Computer] Hi, there, this is Eddie, your shipboard computer, and I'm feeling just great, guys. I'll get a bundle of kicks out of any program you care to run! [Ford] Is this necessary? [Zaphod] Computer, what is our trajectory? [Computer] A real pleasure, fella! We are currently in orbit at an altitude of 300 miles around the legendary planet Magrathea. Golly! [Ford] Proving nothing. I wouldn't trust that computer to speak my weight! [Computer] I can do that! [Ford] No, thank you. [Computer] I can even work out your personality problems to ten decimal places. [Zaphod] Take us down, Computer. Take us down nice and low. (SQUEAKING) [Arthur] What's going on? [Trillian] According to Zaphod, Magrathea is this legendary planet, which no one seriously believes in. And now we're going to land on it. [Arthur] Oh? Is there any tea on this spaceship? [Zaphod] That is the planet we're orbiting around, and that is Magrathea! They're the same! Check, check, check! [Ford] Check, check, check (!) [Trillian] Can we see it at all, Computer? [Computer] Hi, there. [Trillian] Can we see it? [Computer] From up here? No way! You wouldn't want to anyway. It's just cold and grey and a whole bunch of no fun. [Trillian] Great! For this, I got my ears pierced! [Zaphod] With half the Empire's wealth stored on it, it can afford to look frumpy! [Ford] I don't believe you. [Zaphod] Why not? [Ford] You tend to lie a lot. I think it's just any old dead planet. [Arthur] The suspense is killing me (!) STRESS FACTORS UNACCEPTABLE [Narrator] Stress and nervous tension are now serious social problems in all parts of the Galaxy, and it is in order that this situation should not be in any way exacerbated that the following facts will now be revealed in advance. SOOTHING IMAGE 12
SOOTHING IMAGE 442 [Narrator] The planet in question is, in fact, Magrathea. The missile attack shortly to be launched by an ancient automatic defence system will merely result in the breakage of three coffee cups and a mouse cage, the bruising of someone's upper arm and the untimely creation and demise of a bowl of petunias and an innocent sperm whale. SOOTHING IMAGE 31 SMALL UNALARMING BRUISE
SOOTHING IMAGE 841 SOOTHING IMAGE 1,895 [Narrator] In order that some sense of mystery should still be preserved, no revelations will yet be made concerning whose upper arm has been bruised. This fact may safely be made the subject of suspense since it is of no significant whatsoever. Arthur's next question is very complex and difficult, and Zaphod's answer is wrong in every important respect. [Arthur] Is it safe? [Zaphod] Of course! It's been dead for five million years. (FANFARE) [Slartibartfast] Greetings to you. [Zaphod] Computer, what's this? [Computer] A five-million-year-old holotape being broadcast at us. [Slartibartfast] This is a recorded announcement as I'm afraid we're all out at the moment. The Commercial Council of Magrathea ... [Zaphod] A voice from ancient Magrathea! [Ford] OK, OK! [Slartibartfast] ... regrets that the entire planet is temporarily closed for business. Thank you. Leave your name and the address of the planet where you can be contacted when you hear the tone. (BEEP) [Trillian] They want us to leave. What do we do? [Zaphod] We keep going. Got that, Computer? [Computer] Got it! [Slartibartfast] (FANFARE) It is most gratifying that your enthusiasm for our planet continues unabated, and so we would like to assure you that the guided missiles currently converging with your ship are part of a special service we extend to all of our most enthusiastic clients, and the fully-armed nuclear warheads are, of course, merely a courtesy detail. We look forward to your custom in future lives. Thank you. [Arthur] If that's their sales pitch, what's the complaints department like? [Zaphod] Listen, you semi-evolved simian! Will you crowbar this into your cranium? We just triggered off an ancient recording device. It doesn't apply to us. [Trillian] And the missiles? [Zaphod] Missiles? You want to make me laugh? Show me some missiles! [Ford] I think they're going to have a very good try at applying to us. [Arthur] What? (BEEPING) OBJECT PROXIMITY [Zaphod] Terrific! They're trying to kill us! You know what that means? [Arthur] Yes, we're going to die. [Zaphod] Yeah ... no ... maybe ... It means there's something down there they don't want us to have, and if they don't want us to have it that badly, I want to have it even worse. [Trillian] So there is someone down there? [Zaphod] No. It's automatic defence systems. [Ford] What are we going to do? [Zaphod] Just keep cool. [Arthur] Is that all? [Zaphod] Er, no, we're also going to take evasive action. Computer, what evasive action can we take? [Computer] Er, none, I'm afraid, guys. [Zaphod] Or something ... [Computer] There's something jamming my guidance systems. Impact minus 150 seconds. (ALARM) Sorry. I didn't mean that. Please call me Eddie if it will help you relax. [Zaphod] Right, Computer, I want full manual control of this ship now! [Computer] You got it. [Trillian] But can you fly her? [Zaphod] No. Can you? [Trillian] No. [Zaphod] Ford? [Ford] No. [Zaphod] Fine. We'll do it together. [Arthur] I can't either. [Zaphod] I'd guessed. Computer, activate the manual consoles. [Computer] Sure thing. Good luck, guys. Impact minus 125 seconds. [Zaphod] Here goes!
[Trillian] We're veering too far. [Ford] She's going into a spin! [Zaphod] Then, dive her out of it! Dive! Dive! [Narrator] It is, of course, more or less at this point that one of our heroes sustains a slight bruise to the upper arm. This should be emphasised because, as has already been revealed, they escape otherwise completely unharmed, and the deadly nuclear missiles do not eventually hit the ship. Our heroes' safety is absolutely assured. [Computer] Impact minus 88 seconds, guys. [Arthur] You can't shake them! We're going to die! [Computer] (SINGS) When you walk through the storm hold your head up high ... [Zaphod] Shut that bloody computer up! [Trillian] Zaph, do you think we can stabilise at X00 547 if we split our flight path tangentially across the vector of 9 GX 78 with a 5 degree inertial correction? [Zaphod] What? Yes, I expect so, just do it! Do you think she's bluffing? [Trillian] Here goes! [Ford] Hey, where'd you learn a stunt like that? [Trillian] Going round Hyde Park Corner on a moped. [Zaphod] What? [Trillian] I'll tell you later. Hold tight. [Computer] (SINGS) And you'll never walk alone ... [Arthur] The missiles are gaining on us! We are quite definitely going to die! DANGER
[Arthur] Hey! Why don't we use the Improbability Drive? [Zaphod] Are you crazy? Without programming, anything could happen. [Arthur] Whereas, at the moment, we just definitely die. Is that it? [Trillian] Does anyone have a good reason for not using the Improbability Drive? [Computer] It's been great getting to know all you guys. God bless. [Trillian] Does anyone have a good reason for not using the Improb ...?
[Zaphod] What the photon happened? [Arthur] Well, there's this switch here ... [Zaphod] Where are we? [Trillian] Exactly where were were, I think. [Zaphod] What about the missiles? [Ford] Well, according to this, they have turned into a bowl of petunias and a very surprised-looking whale. [Computer] At an Improbability Level of 8,767,128 to 1 against. [Zaphod] Did you think of that, Earthman? [Arthur] Well, all I did was ... [Zaphod] That's a pretty hoopy piece of thinking, you know that? [Arthur] It was nothing, really ... [Zaphod] Was it? Oh, well, forget it. [Zaphod] OK, Computer, take us in to land. [Arthur] I say it was nothing ... Obviously, it was something. I was just trying to say that it's not worth making too much of a fuss about, saving everybody's lives ... [Narrator] Another thing that nobody made too much fuss about was that, against all probability, a sperm whale had suddenly been called into existence some miles above the surface of an alien planet. And since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity as a whale before it had to come to terms with suddenly not being a whale any more.
[Whale] Ah! What's happening? Er, excuse me? Who am I? Why am I here? What's my purpose in life? What do I mean by, "Who am I"? Calm down! Get a grip now! Oh, this is an interesting sensation. It's a sort of yawning, tingling sensation in my ... my ... Well, I better start finding names for things, so let's call it my stomach. So, a yawning, tingling sensation in my stomach. And that whistling, roaring sound? That can be wind. Perhaps I can find a better name for it later. Hey, what's this thing? Let's call it a tail! Yeah, tail. Hey, I can really thrash it about pretty good, can't I? Wow! Wow! Hey! Doesn't seem to achieve much, but I'll probably figure out what it's for later on. Oh, hey, this is really exciting! So much to find out about, so much to look forward to. I'm dizzy with anticipation. What's this thing suddenly coming towards me very fast? Very, very fast ... so big and flat and wide, it needs a big, wide-sounding word, like round ... round ... ground!That's it -- ground! I wonder if it will be friends with me? [Narrator] Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias was: PETUNIA CONSCIOUSNESS ARTICULATION INCOMPREHENSIBLE
[Narrator] ... that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that, we should know a lot more about the Universe than we do now. Meanwhile, Trillian is about to announce a discovery of huge importance, though this is not immediately recognised by her companions. [Trillian] Hey, my white mice have escaped! [Zaphod] Nuts to your white mice! [Ford] Are we taking the Paranoid Android? [Zaphod] Yeah, we'll take him. [Marvin] Don't feel you have to notice me (!) [Trillian] What are you supposed to do with a manically depressed robot? [Marvin] You think you've got problems? What are you supposed to do if you ARE a manically depressed robot? No, don't try to answer that. I'm 50,000 times as intelligent as you and even I don't know the answer. It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level! [Computer] Good afternoon, boys. [Trillian] What's that? [Zaphod] The computer. [Zaphod] It's an emergency back-up personality that I thought might work out better. [Computer] Now, this is going to be your first day on a strange planet, so wrap up warm and no playing with any monsters. [Zaphod] A slide rule might be better (!) [Computer] Who said that? [Zaphod] Open up that exit hatch, please. [Computer] Not until whoever said that owns up. [Ford] Oh, God! [Computer] I'm waiting. I can wait all day if necessary! [Zaphod] Computer, if you don't open that exit hatch pretty damn pronto, I shall go straight to your major data banks with a very large axe and give you a reprogramming you'll never forget. OK, get the axe. (DOOR OPENS) [DOOR] Please enjoy your day on this planet. [Computer] I can see this relationship is something we'll have to work at. [Zaphod] OK, come on, you guys. Let's go! Yeah! [Arthur] It's fantastic! [Ford] Desolate hole! [Trillian] It's so stark and dreary! [Arthur] It's absolutely fantastic! It's only just getting through to me. A whole new alien world, thousands of light years away from home. Pity it's such a dump! [Ford] I could have a better time in a cat litter. [Arthur] What's this? [Ford] Whalemeat. [Arthur] Eugh!
[Zaphod] Come on, you guys, we've got to get into this planet! [Ford] I'm not into it! [Zaphod] INTO it! [Arthur] INTO it? [Zaphod] Would you stay out here in a dump like this? [Zaphod] The Magratheans all lived underground, you know. [Arthur] Why -- was the surface polluted or over-populated? [Zaphod] No, they just didn't like it very much. [Trillian] There's an opening in the ground. [Ford] Looks like a tunnel. [Zaphod] OK, guys, here we go! Let's get on in there! Into the interior of the planet! That is where we have to go! Down into the very depths of time itself, where no man has trod these five million years! We are not going to be great, we are not going to be amazing, we are going to be amazingly amazing! [Marvin] Sounds awful! [Zaphod] Can it, Marvin! [Marvin] Life, loathe it or ignore it -- you can't like it! [Trillian] Are you sure you know what you're doing? We've been attacked once already! [Zaphod] Look, kid, I promise you, the live population of this planet is nil plus the five of us. Let's get on in there, OK? [Trillian] OK. [Zaphod] Hey, Earthman ... Earthman ... [Arthur] Arthur. [Zaphod] Yeah, could you just sort of keep the robot with you and guard this end of the passage? [Arthur] Guard? What from? You said there was no one here! [Zaphod] Yeah, well, just for safety, OK? [Arthur] Whose? Yours or mine? [Zaphod] Good lad. OK, here we go! [Arthur] Well, I hope you all have a really miserable time! [Marvin] Don't worry! They will. [Arthur] Come on! [Zaphod] Hey, spooky, eh? And dark. [Ford] You've still got your sunglasses on. [Zaphod] Too right! [Trillian] Look at this! Any idea what those strange symbols on the walls are, Zaphod? [Zaphod] Yeah! They're strange symbols of some kind. It's hard to tell with my shades on! [Ford] I wish I had heads like you, Zaphod. I could have endless fun bashing them against walls! [Zaphod] Hey, don't bug me, Ford! [Zaphod2] Yeah! [Ford] Yeah? [Zaphod] Yeah! These are the greatest shades in the known sky! Look at the copy. [Ford] "Joo janta 200 SuperChromatic Peril-Sensitive sunglasses. To help you develop a relaxed attitude to danger. At the first hint of trouble, they turn black, and thus prevent you from seeing anything that might alarm you." You're mad! [Trillian] I thought I just saw a movement down at the end of the corridor! [Zaphod] No ... it's just shadows. There's no one here. Trust me. [Ford] Zaphod, mate, I'd trust you as far as I could comfortably spit a rat! [Zaphod] This is a dead planet, man! [Trillian] There's definitely something there. [Zaphod] No ...
[Trillian] Listen ... *** [Arthur] Night's falling. Look, Robot, the stars are coming out. [Marvin] I know. Wretched, isn't it? [Arthur] But that sunset! I've never seen anything like it in my wildest dreams! The two suns ... It was like mountains of fire, boiling into space! [Marvin] I've seen it. It's rubbish. [Arthur] We only had the one sun at home. I came from a planet called Earth. [Marvin] I know. You keep going on about it. It sounds awful. [Arthur] Ah, no! It was a beautiful place. [Marvin] Did it have oceans? [Arthur] Oh, yes, great, big, wide, rolling, blue oceans. [Marvin] Can't bear oceans. [Arthur] Tell me, do you get on well with other robots? [Marvin] Hate them. Where are you going? [Arthur] I think I'll take a short walk. [Marvin] Don't blame you. *** [Arthur] Who are you? [Slartibartfast] My name is not important. [Arthur] You startled me. [Slartibartfast] Do not be alarmed. I will not harm you. [Arthur] But you shot at us. The missiles ... [Slartibartfast] An automatic system. Ancient computers ranged in the long caves deep in the bowels of the planet tick away the dark millennia, and the ages hang heavy on their dusty databanks. They take the occasional potshot to relieve the monotony. I'm a great fan of science, you know. [Arthur] Really? [Slartibartfast] Oh, yes. [Arthur] Er ... [Slartibartfast] You seem ill at ease. [Arthur] OH! Yes, well, actually. I don't think we expected anyone to be about, in fact. No disrespect, but I gathered you were all dead. [Slartibartfast] Dead? No, we have but slept for five million years. Nothing much seems to have changed. [Arthur] Slept? [Slartibartfast] Yes, through the economic recession. [Arthur] Economic recession? [Slartibartfast] Five million years ago, the Galactic economy collapsed, and seeing that custom-built planets are something of a luxury commodity ... You know we built planets? [Arthur] Well, I had sort of gathered that. [Slartibartfast] Fascinating trade. Doing the coastlines are always my favourite. Used to have endless fun doing all the little fiddly bits round fjords. Well, anyway, the recession came, and we thought it would save a lot of bother if we just slept through it. So we programmed the computers to revive us when it was all over. They were index-linked to the Galactic stock market prices, so that we'd all be revived when everybody else had rebuilt the economy enough to be able to afford our services. [Arthur] Isn't that rather unethical? [Slartibartfast] Is it? I'm a bit out of touch. Is that your robot? [Marvin] No, I'm mine. [Arthur] If you'd call it a robot -- it's more like an electronic sulking machine. [Slartibartfast] Bring it. [Marvin] "Bring it"! [Slartibartfast] On second thoughts, leave it here. [Marvin] Bring it! Leave it! I think I'll turn myself off! [Slartibartfast] You must come with me. Great things are afoot. Come. Come now or you will be late. [Arthur] Late? What for? [Slartibartfast] What is your name, human? [Arthur] Dent, Arthur Dent. [Slartibartfast] Late, as in the late Dentarthurdent. It's a sort of threat, you see. Never been terribly good at them myself, but I'm told they can be terribly effective. [Arthur] What an extraordinary person! [Slartibartfast] Pardon? [Arthur] Er ... nothing. Where are we going? [Slartibartfast] We are going deep into the bowels of the planet, where our race is being revived from its five-million-year-old slumber. Magrathea awakes! [Arthur] Excuse me, what is your name, by the way? [Slartibartfast] My name? My name is Slartibartfast.
[Arthur] I beg your pardon? Slartibartfast? [Slartibartfast] I said it wasn't important. [Narrator] It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem.
[Narrator] For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed he was more intelligent than the dolphins, because he had achieved so much -- the wheel ... New York ... wars, and so on ... whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. The dolphins believed they were more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons. Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending demolition of Earth, and made many attempts to alert mankind of their danger, but most of their communications were misinterpreted as amusing attempts to punch footballs or whistle for titbits, so they eventually gave up and left the Earth by their own means, shortly before the Vogons arrived. The last-ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backward somersault through a hoop whilst whistling the Star-Spangled Banner, but in fact, the message was this: SO LONG ... AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH [Narrator] In fact, there was only one species on the planet more intelligent than dolphins, and they spent a lot of their time in behavioural research laboratories conducting frighteningly elegant and subtle experiments on man. The fact that man once again completely misinterpreted this relationship was entirely according to these creatures' plans, as Arthur Dent will shortly discover.
[Slartibartfast] Earthman, we are now deep in the heart of Magrathea. [Arthur] How d'you know I'm an Earthman? [Slartibartfast] These things will become clear -- clearer than they are at the moment. [Arthur] Oh ... [Slartibartfast] I should warn you the chamber we are about to enter does not literally exist within our planet. It is the gateway into a vast tract of hyperspace. It may disturb you. It scares the willies out of me. Hold tight! (ROARING) (CELESTIAL MUSIC)
[Slartibartfast] Welcome to our factory floor. This is where we make most of our planets, you see. [Arthur] You're starting up again now? [Slartibartfast] Good heavens, no! No, the Galaxy isn't nearly rich enough to afford us yet. We've been awakened to perform just one extraordinary function for very special clients from another dimension. It may interest you. There -- in front of us. [Arthur] The Earth!
[Slartibartfast] Well, the Earth Mark II, in fact. We're making a copy, from our original blueprints. [Arthur] Are you telling me you originally made the Earth? [Slartibartfast] Oh, yes. did you ever go to a place ...? I think it was called Norway. [Arthur] No, I didn't. [Slartibartfast] Pity. That was one of mine. Won an award, you know. Lovely crinkly edges. I was most upset to hear of its destruction. [Arthur] YOU were upset?! [Slartibartfast] Five minutes later, it wouldn't have mattered. Big cock-up. The mice were furious. [Arthur] Mice? [Slartibartfast] Earthman, the planet you inhabited was commissioned, paid for and run by the mice. It was destroyed five minutes before the completion of the purpose for which it was built. We have to build another one. [Arthur] Mice? *** [Narrator] ARTHUR bruised his upper arm. [Narrator] Arthur Dent, a perfectly ordinary Earthman, was rather surprised when his friend Ford Prefect suddenly revealed himself to be from a small planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse and not from Guildford after all. He was even more surprised when, minutes later, Earth was unexpectedly demolished to make way for a new hyperspace by-pass. But this was as nothing to their joint surprise when they were rescued from certain death by a stolen spaceship manned by Ford's semi-cousin, the infamous Zaphod Beeblebrox, and by Trillian, a rather nice young astrophysicist Arthur once met at a party in Islington. However, all four of them are soon totally overwhelmed by surprise when they discover that the ancient world of Magrathea, a planet legendary for its trade in manufacturing other planets, is not as dead as it was supposed to be. For Zaphod, Ford and Trillian, surprise is pushed to its very limits when THIS happened ...' (WHOOSHING) [Narrator] And when Arthur encounters Slartibartfast, the Magrathean coastline designer who won an award for his work on Norway and learns that the history of mankind was only being run for the benefit of a few white mice, surprise is no longer adequate and he is forced to resort to astonishment. [Arthur] Mice?!
[Slartibartfast] Mind your head. E-Excuse the mess. Most unfortunate -- a diode blew in one of the life support computers. When we came to revive our cleaning staff, we discovered they'd been dead for 30,000 years. Who's going to clear away the bodies? That's what no one has an answer for. [Arthur] Mice? Look, are we talking about the same things? Mice are white furry creatures with a cheese fixation, women standing screaming on tables in early '60s sitcoms. [Slartibartfast] Earthman, it is sometimes hard to follow your mode of speech. I have been asleep inside this planet of Magrathea for ... um ... five million years and know little of these early '60s sitcoms of which you speak. These creatures you call mice are not quite as they appear. They are merely the protrusion into our dimension of vast hyper-intelligent, pan-dimensional beings. This business with the cheese and the squeaking is just a front. They have been experimenting on you. [Arthur] Ahh! No, look, you've got it wrong! It was us! We experimented on THEM! Making them run down mazes, ring bells, eat bits of cheese! And, by analysing their behaviour, were learned all sorts of things about ourselves! [Slartibartfast] Such subtlety! [Arthur] Well ... [Slartibartfast] Well, how better to disguise their true natures, how better to guide your way of thinking, than to be right down there amongst you? Suddenly running down the maze the wrong way, eating the wrong bit of cheese, unexpectedly dropping dead of myxomatosis. Finely calculated, the cumulative effect is enormous. Just sit ... back ... back. I must tell you that your planet and people have formed the matrix of an organic computer running a 10-million-year research programme into the ultimate question of Life, the Universe ... and Everything. They are particularly clever, hyper-intelligent, pan-dimensional beings. [Tannoy] Attention! Slartibartfast and the visiting Earth creature report to the work's reception area immediately ... Repeat, immediately! [Slartibartfast] However, in the field of management relations, they're shocking. [Arthur] Really? [Slartibartfast] Every time they give me an order, I want to jump on a table and scream. [Arthur] Yes, I can see that would be a problem. [Narrator] There are many problems connected with life, of which some of the most pressing are ... Why are people born? Why do they die? And why do they spend so much of the intervening time wearing digital watches?
[Narrator] Many millions of years ago, a race of hyper-intelligent beings became so fed-up with the bickering about the meaning of life that they decided to sit down and solve it once and for all. To this end, they built themselves a stupendous super-computer called Deep Thought that was so amazingly intelligent that even before its data banks had been connected up, it started from first principles with: I THINK THEREFORE I AM
[Narrator] And deduced the existence of rice pudding and income tax before anyone managed to turn it off.
RICH RICE PUDDING A BEING EARNS $100,000. [Slartibartfast] Do not be alarmed. [Narrator] Only after Deep Thought has been programmed with all the knowledge in the Universe, do two men, selected of all their race, approach it. (LOUD CREAKING AND RUMBLING) [Computer] What is this great task for which I, Deep Thought, the second greatest computer in the Universe of Time and Space, have been called into existence? [Priest 1] Your task, O computer ... [Priest 2] No, wait a minute! Did he say "second greatest"? O Deep Thought, are you not, as we designed you to be, the greatest, the most powerful computer of all time? [Computer] I described myself as the second greatest and such I am! [Priest 2] Can we just clear this up? O Deep Thought, are you not a greater computer than the Milliard Gargantubrain which can count all the atoms in a star? [Computer] A Milliard Gargantubrain? A mere abacus! Mention it not! [Priest 1] Are you not a greater analyst than the Googleplex Star Thinker in the 7th Galaxy of Light and Ingenuity? [Computer] The Googleplex Star Thinker? Molest me not with this pocket calculator stuff!
[Priest 2] But are you not a more fiendish disputant than the Great Hyperlobic Omnicognate Neutron Wrangler on Ciceronicus 12?! [Computer] The Great Omnicognate Neutron Wrangler could talk all four legs off an Arcturan megadonkey, but only I could persuade it to go for a walk afterwards! [Priest 2] Then ... what is the problem? [Computer There is no problem! I speak of none but the computer that is to come after me! [Priest 1] I think this is getting needlessly messianic. [Computer] A computer whose merest operational parameters I am not worthy to calculate, but which it will be my destiny eventually to design! [Priest 1] Can we get on and ask the question? [Priest 2] Oh, all right. [Priest 1] O Great Computer, the task we have designed you to perform is this. We want you to tell us the answer. [Computer] The answer? The answer to what? [Priest 1] Life! [Priest 2] The Universe! [Priest 1] Everything! [Computer] Tricky. [Priest 2] But ... can you do it? [Computer] Yes, I can do it. [Priest 1] You mean ... there IS an answer? [Priest1] A simple answer? [Computer] Yes. Life, the Universe and Everything. There is an answer. [Priest 1] There is an answer! At last! [Computer] But I'll have to think about it. [Vroomfondel] We demand admission! [Priest 2] Now what? [Majikthise] You can't keep us out! [Vroomfondel] We demand you cannot keep us out! [Priest 2] Who are you? Get out of here! [Majikthise] I am Majikthise! [Vroomfondel] And I demand that I am Vroomfondel! [Majikthise] It's all right, you don't need to demand that! [Vroomfondel] All right, I am Vroomfondel, and that is not a demand, that is a solid fact! What we demand is solid facts! [Majikthise] No, we don't. That is precisely what we DON'T demand! [Vroomfondel] We don't demand solid facts! What we demand is a total absence of solid facts! I demand that I may, or may not, be Vroomfondel! [Priest 2] Who are you? [Majikthise] We are philosophers. [Vroomfondel] Though we may not be! [Majikthise] Yes, we are! We are definitely here as representatives of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, Sages, and Luminaries, and we want the machine off now! [Vroomfondel] We demand that you get rid of it! [Priest 2] What's the problem? [Majikthise] The problem is demarcation, mate! [Vroomfondel] We demand that demarcation may or may not be the problem! [Majikthise] Let the machines get on with the adding up and WE'LL take care of the eternal verities! By law, the quest for ultimate truth is the inalienable prerogative of your working thinkers! Any machine goes and find 'em, we're out of a job. What's the use of our arguing half the night whether there may ... [Vroomfondel] Or may not! [Majikthise] ... be a god if this machine gives you his phone number in the morning! [Vroomfondel] That's right! We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!
[Computer] Might I make an observation at this point? [Majikthise] Keep out of this! [Vroomfondel] We demand that that machine not be allowed to think about this problem! (THUNDERCLAP) [Computer] If I might make an observation! All I wanted to say was this. My circuits are now irrevocably committed to calculating the answer to the ultimate question of Life, the Universe and Everything, but the program will take me a little while to run. [Priest 2] How long? [Computer] Seven and a half ... [Priest 1] What, not till next week?! [Computer] ... million ... years! [Both Priests] How long?! [Computer] I said I'd have to think about it. And it occurs to me that running a program like this is bound to create considerable interest in the whole area of popular philosophy. Yes? [Majikthise] Keep talking. [Computer] Everyone's going to have his own theory about what answer I'm eventually going to come up with and who better to capitalise on that media market than you yourselves? So long as you can keep violently disagreeing with each other and slagging each other off in the popular press, and so long as you have clever agents, you can keep yourselves on the gravy train for life! [Majikthise] Bloody hell! Now, that's what I call thinking! 'Ere, Vroomfondel, how come we never think of things like that? [Vroomfondel] Dunno. I think our minds must be too highly trained, Majikthise.
*** [Arthur] Very salutary, but what about the Earth and mice? [Slartibartfast] All will become clear to you. Are you not anxious to hear what the computer said 7.5 million years later? [Arthur] Erm ... yes ... quite. (DISK SMASHES)
SEVEN AND A HALF MILLION YEARS LATER [Priest 1] The time is nearly upon us! [Priest 2] 7.5 million years we've waited. [Priest 1] 75,000 generations since our ancestors set this program in motion and, in all that time, we shall be the first to hear the computer speak. [Priest 2] It's an awesome prospect. (RUMBLING) [Priest 1] Deep Thought is about to speak. [Deep Thought] Good evening. [Priest 2] G-Good evening. (THUNDEROUS RUMBLING) [Priest 2] O ... Deep Thought ... do you have ... Have you ...? [Deep Thought] An answer for you? [Deep Thought] Yes, I have. [Priest 1] There really is one? [Deep Thought] There really is one. [Priest 2] To everything? The secret of the Universe? [Priest 1] The great questions of Life and Everything? [Deep Thought] Yes. [Priest 2] Are you ready to give it to us? [Deep Thought] I am. [Priest 2] Now? [Deep Thought] Now! [Priest 1] Wow! [Deep Thought] Though I don't think you're going to like it. [Priest 2] Doesn't matter! We must know it! [Deep Thought] Now? [Priest 1] Yes ... now. [Deep Thought] All right. [Priest 2] Well? [Deep Thought] You're really not going to like it. [Priest 1] Tell us! [Deep Thought] The answer to the great question ... [Priest 2] Yes? [Deep Thought] ... of Life, the Universe and Everything ... [Priest 1] Yes? [Deep Thought] ... is ... [Both] Yes?! [Deep Thought] ... 42! It was a tough assignment. [Both] 42?!
[Priest 2] Is that all you've got to show for 7.5 million years' work?! [Deep Thought] I think the problem is that you've never known what the question is. [Priest 2] But it was the GREAT question, the ultimate question of Life, the Universe and Everything! [Deep Thought] Yes, but what actually is it? [Priest 1] Well ... just everything! You know ... everything! [Deep Thought] Exactly. You have to know what the question actually is in order to know what the answer means. [Priest 1] Well, can you please tell us the question? [Deep Thought] The Ultimate Question? [Priest 2] Yes! [Deep Thought] Of Life, the Universe and Everything? [Priest 1] Yes! [Deep Thought] Tricky. [LC-1] [Priest 2] But can you do it? [Deep Thought] No. But I'll tell you who can. [Priest 2] Tell us! (THUNDERCLAP) [Deep Thought] I speak of none but the computer that is to come after me. A computer whose merest operational parameters I am not worthy to calculate! Yet I will design it for you! A computer which can calculate the Answer to the Ultimate Question, a computer of such infinite and subtle complexity that organic life itself shall form part of its operational matrix. You yourselves shall take on new forms and go down into the computer to navigate its 10-million-year program! Yes, I shall design this computer for you and I shall name it also unto you and it shall be called the Earth! [Priest 2] Oh, what a dull name. *** [Slartibartfast] So there you have it. Deep Thought designed the Earth, we built it and you lived on it. [Arthur] And the Vogons destroyed it 5 minutes before the program was completed. [Slartibartfast] 10 million years of planning and work gone. Well, that's bureaucracy for you. [Arthur] Do you know, this explains a lot, because all my life I've had this feeling in my bones something sinister was happening in the Universe. No one would tell me what it was. [Slartibartfast] That's just perfectly normal paranoia. Everyone in the Universe has that. [Arthur] Everyone? [Slartibartfast] Everyone. [Arthur] Maybe that means something! That outside the Universe we know, some alien intelligence is ... [Slartibartfast] Maybe. Who cares? Perhaps I'm old, but the chances of finding out what really is going on are so absurdly remote the only thing to do is to say, "Hang the sense of it" and keep occupied. Look at me. I design coastlines. I got an award for Norway. Where's the sense in that? None that I can make out. I've been doing fjords all my life. For a fleeting moment, they become fashionable. I get a major award. In this replacement Earth, I've been given Africa to do. I'm doing it with fjords because I happen to like them. I'm old-fashioned enough to think they give a lovely baroque feel to a continent. They tell me it's not equatorial enough. What does it matter? Science has achieved wonderful things, but I'd far rather be happy than right any day. [Arthur] And are you? [Slartibartfast] No. That's where it all falls down. [Arthur] Pity. Sounded like rather a good lifestyle otherwise.
[Arthur] Now? To meet mice? You want me to meet mice now? [Slartibartfast] It won't be a great social occasion. [Tannoy] At once! [Arthur] I seem to be having difficulty with MY lifestyle. [Slartibartfast] I beg your pardon? [Arthur] What? Sorry. Fatuous thing to say, really. [Slartibartfast] I thought so. [Narrator] It is, of course, well known that careless talk costs lives, but the full scale of the problem is not always appreciated. At the very moment Arthur said: "I seem to be having difficulty with MY lifestyle," a freak wormhole opened up in the fabric of the space-time continuum and carried his words far back in time across almost infinite reaches of space to a distant galaxy where strange and warlike beings were poised on the brink of frightful interstellar battle. The two leaders were meeting for the last time. A silence fell across the conference table as the commander of the Vl'hurgs, in his red jewelled battle shorts, gazed levelly at the G'Gugvunt leader squatting opposite him in a cloud of green, sweet-smelling steam and, with a million be-weaponed star cruisers poised to unleash electric death at his single word of command, challenged the vile creature to take back what it said about his mother. The creature stirred in its sickly broiling vapour and at that moment the words, "I seem to be having difficulty with MY lifestyle," drifted across the table. Unfortunately, in the Vl'hurg tongue, this was the most dreadful insult imaginable, and there was nothing for it but to fight terrible war! Alpha males. (COMPUTER GAME-TYPE BLEEPS) [Narrator] Eventually, after their galaxy had been decimated over a few thousand years, it was realised the whole thing had been a ghastly mistake. So the two opposing battle fleets settled their differences in order to launch a joint attack on our galaxy, now positively identified as the source of the offending remark.
For thousands more years, the mighty ships tore across the empty wastes of space and finally dived, streaming onto the planet Earth where, due to a terrible miscalculation of scale, the entire battle fleet was accidentally swallowed by a small dog. Those who study the interplay of cause and effect in the history of the Universe say this goes on all the time, but that they are powerless to prevent it. Meanwhile, Arthur is about to be confronted with the terrible reality of all he has learnt. [Trillian] Arthur, you're safe! [Arthur] Am I? Oh, good. (THEY CHAT AMONGST THEMSELVES) [Ford] Hi. Come in. Food. [Arthur] What happened to you? [Zaphod] Well, our hosts here have been gassing us, and zapping our minds and being weird, and are now giving us this amazingly keen meal to make it up to us. Have some Vegan rhino cutlet! It's exit! [Arthur] Hosts? I don't see any hosts! Ugh! There are mice on the table! Yes ... sorry. I ... wasn't quite prepared for ... [Trillian] Let me introduce you. This is Benjy mouse. [Benjy] Hi, there! [Trillian] And this is ... Frankie mouse. [Frankie] Pleased to meet you! [Arthur] Aren't they ... [Trillian] The mice I brought from Earth. [Arthur] Well ... [Trillian] Try some grated Arcturan megadonkey. [Slartibartfast] Ahem! Excuse me! [Benjy] Yes, Slartibartfast, you may go! [Slartibartfast] What? Oh, very well, I'll go and get on with some of my fjords, then. [Frankie] They won't be necessary. I don't think we'll be needing the new Earth. [Slartibartfast] What?! I've got a thousand glaciers poised and ready to roll over Africa! [Frankie] Thank you, Slartibartfast, that will be all! [Slartibartfast] Yes, sir. Thank you very much. Well, goodbye, Earthman. Sorry about your planet. Hope the lifestyle comes together! [Benjy] Now to business! [Ford] Oh, yeah. To business! [All] To business! [Benjy] I beg your pardon?! [Ford] I'm sorry, I thought you were proposing a toast! [Frankie] Earth creature, we've been running your planet for 10 million years in order to find the Ultimate Question. [Benjy] As we were about to see the fruit of millions of years of work, you let your planet get blown up! The best-laid plans of mice ... [Arthur] And men. [Frankie] What? [Arthur] Best-laid plans of mice and men. [Benjy] What have men got to do with it? We've got to have that Question! [Arthur] I'm sorry I can't help you. Shall we be off? [Zaphod] Get this, you are a last generation product of that computer matrix. You were there before your planet got the finger. [Ford] Your brain was a part of the configuration of the program. [Arthur] Of the whatty? [Ford] Drink? [Arthur] I will. [Trillian] The mice seem to think the Question might be buried in your brain. [Ford] Is that what they think? [Trillian] Yes. They wanna buy it. [Arthur] What, the Question? [Frankie] No, no, your brain! [Arthur] What? [Ford] What? [Trillian] What? [Zaphod] That's all right. Who'd miss it? [Arthur] Thank you! [Trillian] I thought you said you could read his brain electronically. [Benjy] Yes, but we'd have to get it out first. [Frankie] It's got to be prepared, diced. [Arthur] Thank you! [Zaphod] It could be replaced if it's important.
[Frankie] Yes, an electronic brain. A simple one should suffice. [Arthur] Simple? [Zaphod] Program it to say "What?" and "Where's the tea?" Who'd know the difference? [Arthur] I'd notice! [Zaphod] You'd be programmed not to! [Trillian] Let's get out! [Ford] Sorry, mice, old mates, no deal. [Zaphod] Let's not be hasty ...! [Tannoy] Emergency! Hostile alien police in Section 8A! Defence stations ...! [Zaphod] Galactic police! Hell and bats' dos, we gotta go whoosh! [Frankie] Creatures, where are you going? [Zaphod] Out, out, out! [Benjy] But the Question! Think of the issues at stake! [Arthur] Which way? [Zaphod] Any way! This way! [Benjy] Don't you understand? Don't you understand how much money we can make appearing on chat shows? [Frankie] All this fuss about an Earthling brain! [Zaphod] Let's go, let's go! [Ford] Where are we gonna go?! (PANIC-STRICKEN JABBERING) (JABBERING CONTINUES INSIDE LIFT) [Ford] Over there! Which way? [Zaphod] At a wild guess, I'd say ... [Ford] This way. [Cop 1] OK, Beeblebrox, hold it right there, we got you covered! [Zaphod 2] Cops! [Zaphod] Anyone else want a guess? [Ford] Yeah ... this way! [Cop 2] We don't wanna shoot you, Beeblebrox. [Zaphod] Suits me fine! [Trillian] Back to the lift? [Zaphod] Back to the lift! [Ford] Hey, I thought they said they didn't want to shoot at us! [Ford] I thought so! [Zaphod] You said you didn't wanna shoot us! [Cop 1] It isn't easy being a cop! [Ford] What did he say? [Zaphod] It isn't easy being a cop. [Ford] That's his problem! [Zaphod] I think so! [Ford] Listen, we've enough problems of our own having you there shooting at us! If you'd like to avoid laying your personal problems on us, I think we'd all find it easier to cope! [Cop 2] Now, look, buddy, you're not dealing with any dumb, two-bit, trigger-pumping morons with low hairlines, little piggy eyes and no conversation! We're a couple of caring, intelligent guys you'd probably really like if you met us socially. I don't go around gratuitously shooting people and then brag about it in seedy space rangers bars. I go around gratuitously shooting people, then I agonise about it afterwards to my girlfriend! [Cop 1] And I write novels! [Cop 2] Yeah, he writes them in crayon. [Cop 1] Though I haven't had any published yet, so I'd better warn ya, I'm in a mean mood! [Ford] Who are these guys? [Trillian] I preferred them shooting. [Cop 2] So are you gonna come quietly or you gonna let us blast ya out? [Ford] Which would you prefer? [Cop 2] You still there? [All] Yeah! [Cop 1] We didn't enjoy that at all. [Ford] We could tell! [Cop 2] Now, listen to this, Beeblebrox. And you'd better listen good! [Zaphod] Why? [Cop 2] Er ... because it's gonna be very intelligent, and quite interesting ... and humane. [Zaphod] OK, shoot. I mean, fire away! No, no, I mean ...! [Cop 1] Sorry, misunderstanding there. [Cop 2] Beeblebrox, either you all give yourselves up, and let us beat you up a little, though not too much because we are firmly opposed to needless violence, or ... er ... or we blow up this entire planet! And one or two others we noticed on the way over! [Trillian] That's crazy! You wouldn't do that! [Cop 2] Yes, we would! I think we would, wouldn't we? [Cop 1] Yes, we'd have to. No question. [Trillian] But why? [Cop 1] Tell her. [Cop 2] You tell her! [Cop 1] You tell her! [Trillian] Will one of you tell her! [Both] It isn't easy being a cop!
[Ford] Listen ... if we keep them talking, maybe their brains will seize up. [Cop 1] Shall we ... shoot them up again for a while? [Cop 2] Why not? [Cop 1] Yeah. [Ford] Wait ... [Zaphod] Well, that just about wraps it up for this lifetime, I guess. [Ford] Well ... it's really been nice running into you again, Zaphod. [BOTH SING LOUDLY] Zaglabor astragard, Hootrimansion Bambriar ... [Arthur] What the hell are you doing?! [Ford] A Betelgeuse death anthem. It means, "After this, things can only get better." [Both] Zaglabor astragard! Hootrimansion Bambriar ... _______________ Librarian's Comment: To be, or not to be: that is the question.
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