My Rosicrucian Diary
November 10, 1983
Mandamus 2
To the Master of This Class
In reading this monograph, I realized that Rosicrucian education will open my mind to the knowledge of the human sciences. The reason for that conclusion is that the terms used in this monograph (i.e.,
subconscious, subliminal, etc.) are found in scientific literature and mystical interpretations of the human
sciences.
If I ignore the real meaning of these terms in the more complete Rosicrucian sense, I will be closing my mind to knowledge. Also with the perfect understanding of these notions, again in the Rosicrucian sense, I feel that a new door will be opened to me, and the door of superstition will be closed.
This monograph convinces me of the absolute necessity to review the neophyte degrees again and again. I believe the perfect understanding of this degree will produce the freedom that I am looking for.
In short, this monograph is a "complete dish," a masterpiece, and it is welcome in my quest for true and complete knowledge of the universe.
[Author's note: Please note that
freedom in these remarks meant financial freedom, the freedom to have my green card, the freedom to get my mother and siblings out of poverty and out of Haiti.]
***
My Rosicrucian Diary
November 14, 1983,
1:40 AM Annual Evaluation
I just got the idea to write an evaluation of the year 1983 on the very last day of the year, December 31. This evaluation will also be a report of my first year in the States, where I actually
arrived on January 1, 1983.
After writing this evaluation, I will be able to draw some valuable conclusions and set new goals to reach.
I am confused about whether or not I should risk this evaluation. Fixing objectives like these would force me to take specific efforts to reach these objectives. If I did not take real action based on my promises, I would feel guilty.
If I did take action and failed, there might be other mystical ramifications. If I failed, I might be tempted to leave and risk being disconnected from the egregore. From my observations, my conscious efforts in Miami, to date, to reach certain specific
objectives have led me to despair and desolation. Owing to these failures, I have had to ask myself whether someone on the Rosicrucian path should abstain from creating fixed goals in their life, even if these goals are relatively practical and reasonable.
Having not gotten too far in these teachings, I also asked myself whether members of
AMORC should occupy themselves mainly in dedicating themselves to seeking spiritual enlightenment, with the expectation that everything else they need will come as a surplus. This is basically the same idea as the New Testament injunction to seek the Kingdom of God first and, if you do, all else you need will be added to you. I believe, but do not know for sure, that the neophyte must stay calm in spite of the fact that his life is in shambles due to his inability to reach certain goals in his life. In my current state of mind, what other choice remotely makes sense?
***
My Rosicrucian
Diary
November 17, 1983, 9:35 PM
Mandamus 3
Even though last Thursday I had a very enriching night in my sanctum, tonight I was overcome by sleep and was not able to concentrate sufficiently to work profitably on this monograph. Why? Today, I ate normally, unlike last Thursday when I hardly ate at all. Does starvation improve my ability to study?
Do I have to make special efforts to reduce my food intake every Thursday to obtain the proper levels of concentration to study these monographs with the attention they deserve? Or does this inability to concentrate have a relationship to being tired?
To tell the truth I am really tired.
To find the answer to these questions, next Thursday, I will rest physically, I will eat normally, and I will observe whether I am able to concentrate on the monograph Thursday night.
I promise that I will redo this same monograph next Thursday.
So mote it be.
[Author's note: "So mote it be" is the
AMORC way of saying "Amen."]
***
My Rosicrucian Diary
November 23, 1983
Last Thursday, I went home after a long day in school and a trip to the market to buy, along with other items, this current notebook for my Rosicrucian studies.
Tonight I feel confused. I have a lot of questions.
I guess the overwhelming question is: how come I am living in such deep poverty in the United States? Isn't this the land of plenty, a place of opportunity and prosperity?
I was fighting with all my strength to keep myself calm when, like a lightening bolt, the idea carne to me that the answer was in H. Spencer Lewis's book The Cycle of Life.
I first thought of buying the book by postal order from France, despite my current economic difficulties. Then I realized that I knew two brothers who probably had the book already. I thought it is best that I calm down and handle the situation step by step. So I promised myself I would wait until Saturday morning to go see my acquaintances and borrow the book.
That very same Wednesday night of my diary entry, I remembered a soror who had mentioned she had the book. I called her right away and, soon enough, I had the book in my possession. After reading only the first part of the book, I found the answer to the question I was looking for.
***
My Rosicrucian Diary
November 24, 1983
What Should I Do?
While reading The Cycle of Life by H. Spencer Lewis, I thought I had found the answer to why there was so much poverty and so many difficulties in my life in Miami. I also thought I had found the solution to my financial difficulties.
You see, according to Lewis's Cycle of Life theory, if we know the cycle of life we're in, we can take appropriate action.
According to this theory, I was in the second cycle of life when I originally left Haiti on January 1, 1983. Furthermore, any trip taken during this particular cycle needs to be of short duration. Maybe I had stayed here too long. So, based on that premise, I tried to
come up with a logical solution.
Perhaps the solution is to return to Haiti. Go back there, renew my one-year visa, and return to the United States. That would buy me more time to get the green card I needed and yet be in conformity to the Life Cycle theory.
But then I started to worry. What if I return to Haiti and apply for visa renewal, and the American embassy doesn't renew my visa? I'd end up stuck in Haiti and wouldn't be able to get out.
This negative scenario kept coming to me all day. Tonight, the thought was so strong that even during the Rosicrucian study period, I couldn't get it out of my mind.
But because of the Rosicrucian study, I know that you can influence your life, positively or negatively, with your own thoughts.
So I am asking myself what to do. Is it the case that God wants me to live in Haiti instead of the United States? Is it the case that the mission of my life is in Haiti and that the mission of my life is calling me? Or am I being given a warning not to go back to Haiti?
In this last case, it would mean that I have misunderstood the book, The Cycle of Life. Or maybe God in His mighty power sees an entirely different way to resolve my problem?
I beg the masters to help me, and I beg God to come to my rescue.
***
My Rosicrucian Diary
December 22, 1983, 2:00 AM
I fell asleep while trying to read the ritual of this initiation. Am I tired because it's 2:00 AM and I just returned from my dishwashing job, or is it the mystical effect of reading the Rosicrucian monograph?
May the universe help me to understand and guide me during this trip!
So mote it be.
***
My Rosicrucian Diary
December 22, 1983, 2:30 AM
After Sanctum Study
After tonight's sanctum study, I had a short meditation session. In this session, I tried to understand my relationship with
AMORC. In a brief instant of altered consciousness, I had a vision of a man on a crutch.
***
My Rosicrucian Diary December 24, 1983, 1:44 AM
For many weeks, I've been having terrible dreams. More and more, I have the impression that Charles tine, the owner of this house, is seeking a diplomatic way to get me to leave.
Because it was God who gave me this place to live, I'm begging God, with a humble heart, to show me the way to obtain peace. I wish that with all my heart.
So mote it be!
***
My Rosicrucian Diary
January 1, 1984, 10:55 AM
As I worked last night, a lot of negative thoughts kept coming into my mind. I did my best to keep the negative thoughts away because I did not want 1984 to arrive in anything but a happy state of mind. I therefore focused on love and hope. I think that/s the best way to start the New Year.
Less than a minute before midnight, I heard the people in the restaurant counting, "Ten, nine, eight, ...
," toward zero as midnight rapidly approached. Then one of the cooks told me it was midnight.
I walked to an empty room in the back of the restaurant. Since I was on the job, I continued to stand there with my eyes open but began to practice the December 31 exercise of
AMORC. Through the help of the Cosmic, we really can feel the vibrations of peace, joy, and happiness, deep within the center of everything.
As people outside the room were saying "Happy New Year," blowing noisemakers, and wishing peace to each other, I smiled slightly and continued my contact in my celestial sanctum.
Fearing someone might walk in and interrupt me, after awhile, I decided to stop. At that moment, I walked out of the room, toward the others.
Of course, none of them knew I had just finished uniting myself to my brothers across the world. I did not consider myself egotistical at the time, but I believed myself to be returning from a state of mystical fraternity far above the spirituality of anyone around me.
Now I joined them in wishing everyone Happy New Year.
As I moved toward the kitchen, I looked across the room and made eye contact with Jackie, a waitress in the restaurant. I raised my hands in the air to show her how joyful I felt. She walked toward me and gave me the glass she had in her hand. It was still partially filled with champagne. I drank the rest and was very happy. So in this way, I happily welcomed 1984.