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CRY-BABY -- ILLUSTRATED SCREENPLAY

[music playing]

[people chattering]

[girls chattering]

[microphone squeaks]

[MRS. VERNON WILLIAMS] Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen
and welcome to the annual RSVP Talent Show.

[AUDIENCE] Good afternoon, Mrs. Vernon-Williams.

[MRS. VERNON WILLIAMS] First, I must apologize for my frazzled nerves.
However, this afternoon we were attacked
by a gang of juvenile delinquents.

[ALL] [gasp]

[MRS. VERNON WILLIAMS] It's all right. No one was injured.
Juvenile delinquents are everywhere.
Right here in this community.
Boys with long hair and tattoos
who spit on the sidewalk.

[WOMAN 1] I can't believe it.

[WOMAN 2] How disgusting.

[MRS. VERNON WILLIAMS] Girls who wear tight slacks.
Hysterectomy pants, I call them.

[ALL] [murmuring]

[MRS. VERNON WILLIAMS] And if one of these creatures
ever approach you on the street,
you are to silently repeat to yourself
the four "B's" you learned here at RSVP.
And what are they children, the four "B's"?

[ALL] Beauty, brains,
breeding, bounty!

[ALL] [applauding]

[MRS. VERNON WILLIAMS] Yes! Yes!

***

[TURKEY POINT SWIM CLUB]

[MR. HACKETT] Teenagers everywhere repent!
Let Jesus Christ be your gang leader!
Get out of Turkey Point before it's too late

[TOE-JOE] Oh, take it easy, honey.

I'm not getting any younger here, you know.
Oh!
That is what I call a real great shape.
Knockers up, sweetheart.
Oh! Here it is! Beautiful.
All right, here you go, honey pot.
Thanks for the picture.
Mmm.
All right, who's up?
Toe-Joe Jackson's art photography right here!
Be a nudie-cuties, make good money to bootie.
Hey, I'm paying $3 a shot.

You got it, what the hell, why not show it, right?
Hey, you.
Yeah, you, the looker
with the class-A sealed-beam headlights.
You want to pose for Toe-Joe?

[WANDA] Beat it, creep.

[MRS. HACKETT] Here he comes now, with that devil woman.

[HATCHET-FACE] Hi, Mrs. Hackett.

[MR. HACKETT] Imagine our shame.
Our only child, and he carries illegal weapons,
drives fast cars,
and wears clothes obviously designed by homosexuals.
But he knows better.
Jesus is still in his heart.

[MILTON] Jeez, Mom and Dad, go home.
You're embarrassing me.
I'm a teenager. I want to live.

***

[music playing]

[LENORA] Hey!

[MILTON] Looks like somebody lost their laundry.

[LENORA] Hello, Cry-Baby.

You scorch me, man.

[WADE] Later, Lenora.

[LENORA] But, Cry-Baby, I need a date for tonight's Jukebox Jamboree.

[WADE] Well, I'm solo, sugar.

[LENORA] Want to see these gunboats? I give, Cry-Baby.
I give bare second on the first date.

[WADE] Use your mentality and cool down.

[WANDA] Well, Lenora, your bosoms ain't nothing.

[HATCHET-FACE] Better watch it, bozo. You might catch a cold.

[PEPPER] My brother wouldn't touch your titties with a 10-foot pole.
He likes his women bad, Lenora, not cheap.

***

[Sh Boom Playing]  [BALDWIN] [scatting] Oh, life could be a dream
If I could take you up in paradise up above
If you would tell me I'm the only one that you love

[GIRLS] [chattering]

[BALDWIN & GANG] [Scatting] Life could be a dream sweetheart
Hello hello again, sh-boom, and hopin' we'll meet again
Oh, life could be a dream

If only all my precious plans
Would come true
If you would let me spend my whole life lovin' you
Life could be a dream

Sweetheart
Sh-boom sh-boom
Ya-da-da Da-da-da Da-da-da Da
Sh-boom sh-boom
Ya-da-da Da-da-da Da-da-da Da
Sh-boom sh-boom
Ya-da-da Da-da-da Da-da-da Da, sh-boom

[GIRLS] [squealing]

[BALDWIN & GANG] [Scatting] Now every time I look at you
Something is on my mind

If you do what I want you to do
Baby, we'd be so fine

Oh, life could be a dream
If I could take you up in paradise up above
If you would tell me I'm the only one that you love
Life could be a dream, sweetheart

Hello hello again, sh-boom and hopin' we'll meet again
Hello hello again, sh-boom and hopin' we'll meet again
Sh-boom sh-boom

Life could be a dream sweetheart

[ALL] [applauding]

***

[WADE] Uncle Belvedere!

[BELVEDERE] Wow!
You caught me in my birthday suit,

butt-naked.

[PEPPER] Grandma, we're home!

***

[DUPREE] How much?

[RAMONA] That muffler?
Dupree, for you
$15, take it or leave it.

[DUPREE] Come on, Ramona.
$10. This thing's hotter than a pistol.

[RAMONA] You guys wanna do business with Ramona Rickettes
or would you rather shop at Sears?

Now, give me the bread and keep your trap shut.

[DUPREE] You're a hard woman.

[RAMONA] I'm going to see you in hell, Dupree.

[laughing] Go on, get out of here.

[KIDS] [chattering]

[PEPPER] Have you been bothering your great-grandma all day?
She has customers.

[BELVEDERE] Hell, no. They helped me steal a car.

[SNARE-DRUM] It's a '51 Olds.
It's really cool.

[PEPPER] That's my little Snare-Drum.

[SUSIE Q] And Ma, I swiped six hubcaps like a big girl.

[PEPPER] Way to go, Susie-Q.

[SNARE DRUM] Make those monster faces, Hatchet. Please.

[HATCHET-FACE] [howling]

[KIDS] [screaming]

[RAMONA] Goddamn gopher's digging up my front yard.
What are you teenagers waiting for?
Turkey Point is open for business!
Let's celebrate!

[DRAPES] [cheering]

***

[BELVEDERE] Come on. Come on, everybody. Come on in.
Today's a special day for me and your grandmother.
We've been together 10 whole years.

[DRAPES ] [whooping]

[RAMONA] I'm just so proud of all my Drape children.
Oh, Wanda, you sure is pretty in them tight clothes
all painted up like trash.

[WANDA] I wish you and Belvedere were my parents.

[RAMONA] Oh.
Now, Milton,
boy, you are everything a man should be.

You're young, stupid, and mean.

[MILTON] We're gonna play some cool music for you tonight, Ramona.

[RAMONA] And, Hatchet-Face. Oh, honey.

You're just like me.
Now, you put the "T" in "tough."
So hard, you could've been eating nails for breakfast.

But that's the way a woman's got to be these days.

[HATCHET-FACE] I'd kick a Square's ass for you in a minute, Mrs. Rickettes.

[RAMONA] Oh, this is the best gang my grandson could ever have.

[PEPPER] Grandma, I'm so happy all knocked up
I wish I was having triplets.

[RAMONA] Well, we got a little surprise for your young one in your oven.
You show her, Bel.

[BELVEDERE] Sure will.

[WADE] Oh, Pep, ain't that cute?

[PEPPER] It's beautiful, Grandma.

[RAMONA] Cry-Baby.
When you was a boy, you had to be the man of this family.

[BELVEDERE] But I taught you how to dress, didn't I?

[WADE] You sure did, Uncle Belvedere.

[RAMONA] Yeah, well, you're the future now, boy.
You're the only future for this godforsaken family.

And I want you to go out there tonight and sing, boy.
I want you to sing your heart out.
You can show him now, Belvedere.
This took a lot of hubcaps, Cry-Baby.

[DRAPES] [gasping]
[cheering]

[WADE] Grandmother, Uncle Belvedere,

you've made me the happiest juvenile delinquent in Baltimore.
And guess what?

[motorcycle engine rumbling]

[WADE] I met a girl!

***

[A Teenage Prayer Playing] [ALLISON] [singing] My friends all know it

How I adore him
I've whispered to angels

What I'd do for him
He is the answer
To a teenage prayer

He won't go steady
The crowd has told me
But I keep waiting

To have him hold me
Why won't you listen
To a teenage prayer

I wait by the window at seven
and chill when my thrill passes by

His kiss could send me to heaven

Into his arms I would fly

***

[My Heart Goes by Nappy Brown playing] My heart goes
Piddily patter, patter piddily patter
Every time I look at you

***

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