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KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE -- SCREENPLAY |
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by Charles Chiodo, Edward Chiodo and
Stephen Chiodo
Killer Klowns From Outer Space --
Illustrated Screenplay & Screencap Gallery Starring: Grant Cramer, Suzanne Snyder, John Allen Nelson, Royal Dano, John Vernon, Michael Siegel, Peter Licassi, Chris Titus, Irene Michaels, Karla Sue Krull, and Brian Degan Scott Directed by Stephen Chiodo [Transcribed from the movie by Tara Carreon, American Buddha Online Librarian] Click here to play Killer Klowns by the Dickies. Copyright Notice: The Dickies, "Killer Klowns from Outer Space," © 1998 Restless Records pt barnum said it so long ago the ring master shouts "let the show begin"
it's time to take a ride on a nightmare
merry go round there's cotton candy in their hands all look around what do you see [Curtis Mooney] Little son-of-a-bitch [Bob McReed] I hate cops! [Curtis Mooney] This is Mooney calling in. [Dave Hanson] I hear you. What you doing, Curt? [Curtis Mooney] Nothing yet, Dave. But Friday night's just starting. I'm heading across town to the park. I'll check in with you later. [Radio] That was a hot tune from the Doorman, but now we're going to slow it down a little bit for all you make-out artists at the top of the world. [Boy] Give me a cold beer, will you? [Boy] Alright. [Paul Terenzi] I am Joe-Joe, the ice cream clown with the bestest ice cream in town. We'll give you the stick, you give it a lick, and it'll tickle you all the way down. Ice cream, ice cream, we brought our goodies here to you. A tasty treat for while you screw. Let's take a break. Cool off those hot lips with our tasty frozen fruity bars. Icey wicey, fudgy wudgy bars, and everyone's favorite frozen delight, the lick-a-stick. [Bob McReed] Geez -- what the ... [Boy] Get out of here you morons. [Boy] Hey, take your ice cream and get lost. [Paul Terenzi] Oh, yeah? [Girl] Quiet down, the microphone's on. [Girl] Get out of here, you idiot. [Paul Terenzi] So you don't want any ice cream? Well, you're not getting any! [Boy] We were getting it before you showed up. [Mike Tobacco] Those guys! Man! What the hell are they doing here? [Rich Terenzi] Great idea, Paul. Everybody loves ice cream. [Paul Terenzi] What do you mean? It was your idea? Hey, why don't we just park here for a while? [Tracy] Hey! What are you guys trying to pull here? [Rich Terenzi] Oh, well, we, thought we would park here for a while. [Stacy] You said that we could have all of the ice cream that we wanted, but you didn't say anything about parking. [Tracy] What kind of girls do you think we are? [Rich Terenzi] I told you that they weren't that stupid. [Stacy] We want you to take us home right now. [Tracy] Yeah! [Paul Terenzi] Take it easy. Keep your shirt on. [Tracy] Don't worry. We intend to. [Rich Terenzi] Oh, this worked out just great. [Paul Terenzi] Don't blame me. I didn't even want to come here. Hey, wanna try the drive-in? [Rich Terenzi] Oh, that's dumb. [Paul Terenzi] Hey, wait a minute. What's playing? [Mike Tobacco] Ha ha ha ha. Knuckleheads! [Debbie Stone] Do you know those guys? [Mike Tobacco] Those guys are my best friends from school. I tell you, whenever I want to have a good time, I call Rich and Paul. A night out with those guys is a total adventure. What am I talking about the Terenzi brothers for? I would much rather be kissing you! [Debbie Stone] This is great! [Mike Tobacco] Yeah. [Bob McReed] Wow! Check that out! [Mike Tobacco] Did you see that? [Debbie Stone] Yeah, I saw that! That was incredible. [Farmer Gene Green] Well I'll be hornswaggled! Did you see that little old sky doggie zip down in there, Pooh? It's Halley's Comet, and he's landed in our back yard! There are going to be thousands of people, thousands of people a-coming. They're going to have hot dogs. They're going to have helicopters and airplanes, and tacos. This is our lucky day! We're going to be rich, Pooh, we're going to be rich! [Debbie Stone] Come on! Let's go check it out! [Mike Tobacco] Oh come on, no way! Debbie, it's a waste of time. It's gotta be a thousand miles away. It'll ruin our whole evening. [Debbie Stone] Don't give me that. You saw how close it was. It landed right over the hill. Now that is not a thousand miles away. Come on. You can find it, Mr. Adventure. [Mike Tobacco] Debbie, don't you want to finish our champagne? [Debbie Stone] We'll take it with us. Come on. [Mike Tobacco] Okay. [Farmer Gene Green] Come on, come on. Attention dog, come on. Well, I'll be greased and fried. What in blue blazes is a circus doing up in these parts? Yeah, I love the circus. Come on. Maybe we can get us some free passes. Come on, Pooh. I never seen one that looked like thissun before. Well, I don't know Pooh. You know, there's something kind of peculiar around here. Where is everybody? You know, there ain't nobody around. Where -- where's the dang ticket booth? How are we supposed to get in and see the show? [Pooh] [whimpers] [Farmer Gene Green] Pooh? Pooh Bear? Where is that dog? Pooh! Something funny is happening around here! What in tarnation is going on here? Where is my dog? Where is my Pooh Bear? I'll tear this thing apart with my bare hands! This thing is wired! POLICE STATION [Curtis Mooney] Alright! Get in there! [Dave Hanson] What's going on, Curt? [Curtis Mooney] Same old shit! I caught them boozing it up in the park. [Punk] We were just walking through the park on our way to the dorm. We had a bottle of wine. [Punk] Yeah, it's a beautiful night, we were walking around, we didn't do nothing. [Dave Hanson] You guys go to the college, right? [Punk] Yeah. Yeah, right. [Dave Hanson] Why don't you just stay there, do your drinking on campus? Why do you have to come into town? [Punk] I mean, we live in this town too. I mean, we don't just have to stay on campus. [Curtis Mooney] Yeah, and it's scum like you that are killing this town! [Dave Hanson] Come on, Curt. Curt, come on, Curt. Now, just take it easy. [Curtis Mooney] What's the matter, Dave? You got a thing for these little boys? Empty your pockets! [Punk] We just had a little wine, what's the problem? [Curtis Mooney] You're the problem you little shit! [Dave Hanson] Just lighten up, Mooney! Just lighten up. [Curtis Mooney] Back off, Dave! Open container, public intoxication, littering, disturbing the peace, resisting arrest, these kids are history! Unless you want to rewrite the laws, Mr. Police Academy! [Dave Hanson] Oh, look, you got this problem with my training, I don't care. But when you bring someone into the station, I don't want to see you beating them up. Now if you're going to book 'em, do it according to procedure or I swear Curt, you and that badge of yours will be history. [Curtis Mooney] I'll tell you what's going to be history, Dave, these kids. Now get in there. Get in there! [Mike Tobacco] Well it looks like we're going to have to walk from here. Let's see. If instinct serve Chief correct, path lie that way. We must travel many moons, many, many moons, many, many, many ... [Debbie Stone] Enough already with the moons. Lead the way, Chief Running At The Mouth! [Mike Tobacco] Holy shit! That's no shooting star! Looks like, uh ... [Debbie Stone] A circus tent! [Mike Tobacco] What's a circus tent doing all the way out here? It's a terrible location for a show! [Debbie Stone] Something's wrong. This doesn't feel right. Weren't we looking for the shooting star? [Mike Tobacco] Come on. This looks neat. Let's check this out! [Debbie Stone] No. Let's go. I've seen enough. [Mike Tobacco] Oh come on, Deb. I want to take a closer look. You can stay here. [Debbie Stone] Alone? [Mike Tobacco] Would you be more scared if you came with me or if I left you here? [Debbie Stone] If you left me here. Let's go. [Mike Tobacco] Come on. Come on. [Debbie Stone] Okay, okay, I'm coming. [Mike Tobacco] Come on, let's check this out. [Debbie Stone] No, Mike. Mike, we better not. [Mike Tobacco] Deb, you are going to love this. Don't be a baby. [Debbie Stone] Huh, this is bizarre! What kind of circus is this? [Mike Tobacco] This is that new wave European circus fantastique. Hurry, hurry, step right up. See the Circus Bizarro. Come one, come all. Sep right up little lady, don't be shy. Don't be stupid. Come see the incredible Miss 50-50, half man, half woman, the perfect double eight! Yes, little ladies, step right up here and see Gumbo, the toothless elephant. Or, right over here, we've got Belinda, the bulemic wonder. Watch her binge and purge before your very eyes. [Debbie Stone] Mike, keep it down. Somebody will catch us. [Mike Tobacco] God, is this place great or what? Hey, it looks like it was decorated by ClownsRUs. [Debbie Stone] I don't know. So how much further do you want to go? [Mike Tobacco] Well, let's just go down here to the end of this hall where those doors are. Come on. [Mike Tobacco] This is no fun house. [Debbie Stone] No circus either. What? [Mike Tobacco] I can't believe it! What is it, a nuclear power plant? [Debbie Stone] No. [Mike Tobacco] A missile silo? [Debbie Stone] No. [Mike Tobacco] A military base? [Debbie Stone] No! The shooting star! [Mike Tobacco] What are you talking about? [Debbie Stone] The shooting star we went to go look for. We are in it! What was that? [Mike Tobacco] I don't know, but it's coming this way. Here, come on. Look at this place. It smells like candy. You know, I don't know what we saw in there before but this looks like a cotton candy factory to me. Yeah. This must be where they hang it up to dry before they ship the stuff out. [Debbie Stone] No it's not. I've never seen anything like this before, have you? [Mike Tobacco] No. [Debbie Stone] Well, that's because nobody has. I don't believe in UFOs, but if they do exist, then, then we're trapped in one right now. [Mike Tobacco] Debbie, would you just calm down? There's got to be a logical explanation for this. [Debbie Stone] This isn't what you think it is. Nobody stores cotton candy like this. [Mike Tobacco] What are you talking about? Of course it is. Look. [Debbie Stone] [screams] [Mike Tobacco] Joe Lombardo. Come this way. Are you okay? [Debbie Stone] I think so. [Mike Tobacco] Let's go. [Debbie Stone] Popcorn. Why popcorn? [Mike Tobacco] Because they are clowns, that's why! [Debbie Stone] Mike, get me out of here! Hurry, they're coming! [screams] [Debbie Stone] We have to tell the police. [Mike Tobacco] Yeah, right, we're going to run to the police station and tell them that there are a bunch of clowns running around the hills killing people with cotton candy? [Debbie Stone] I have a friend there. I know he'll believe us. [Mike Tobacco] I don't know, Debbie. I wouldn't even believe us. CRESCENT COVE - 8 KILOMETERS POLICE STATION [Dave Hanson] What the heck? [Debbie Stone] Dave! Oh my God, something horrible has happened. Somebody's been killed. [Dave Hanson] Wait a second, Debbie! What happened? [Debbie Stone] You got to help us. We've got to do something. There are two people dead! [Dave Hanson] Debbie, who's dead? [Mike Tobacco] Joe Lombardo. He's dead. [Debbie Stone] And some old man, too. [Dave Hanson] Just a second guys -- are you sure about this? [Mike Tobacco] Yes, they were hanging there, wrapped up in these cotton candy things, these cocoons. [Dave Hanson] Cocoons? [Mike Tobacco] Yes, cocoons. [Debbie Stone] You know, cocoons! [Dave Hanson] Alright, alright everybody, calm down. Look, Debbie come inside and explain this to me. I'd like to help you, but before I can, I've got to understand what's going on here myself. DRUGSTORE [Girl] I really need to get some mascara though, okay? [Girl] Perfect, oh great. Then why don't we just go in the drugstore? [Girl] Good, okay. [Girl] And then we'll go on. Oh, look! [Dave Hanson] Alright. Sit down. Let's start from the beginning, alright? [Debbie Stone] Okay, okay. We were up at the Top of the World and we saw this shooting star, and we decided to go look for it. But instead of seeing the shooting star, we saw this circus tent, and that is when we went inside, and that is when we saw those people in those pink cotton candy cocoons. Dave, it was not a circus tent. It was something else. [Dave Hanson] What, what? [Mike Tobacco] It was a spaceship, and there were these things, these killer klowns, and they shot popcorn at us. We barely got away. [Curtis Mooney] [whistles] Killer klowns from outer space! Holy shit! [Debbie Stone] Dave, we are telling you the truth. You've got to believe us. [Curtis Mooney] Let me tell you something, honey: I was just over there. There's nothing going on. [Debbie Stone] Excuse me, please, but we're talking to Dave. [Dave Hanson] Now just hold on a second, Mooney. They say some people are dead. Let's hear them out. [Curtis Mooney] Alright, Dave. Okay. Clowns, cotton candy, flying popcorn. Go ahead. Let them make fools out of the police department. I told you, I was just over there. Who are you going to believe, me or this little tramp? [Dave Hanson] Come on, Mooney. I'm handling this, alright? Alright, alright Debbie. Who's your friend? [Debbie Stone] Mike. We go to school together. [Dave Hanson] You two were up at Top of the World together? [Debbie Stone] Yeah. [Curtis Mooney] I know you, you little fart. You hang out with the Terenzi brothers. Clowns? I get it. Another one of their stupid stunts to sell ice cream from that goddamned truck those hoodlums run around in. Well now, I really believe this. Oh, you better go now, Dave. Before the clowns take over, huh? And when you get back from saving the world, I want a full written report so I can give it to the Chief when he gets back on Monday. Ha ha ha ha. [Mike Tobacco] Look, everything happened just the way we said. [Debbie Stone] We are telling you the truth! [Dave Hanson] Alright, alright. You two come with me. Come on. [Curtis Mooney] Hurry up, Dave! Don't let them get away. Go ahead, Dave, make a dummy out of yourself. But you're not going to make a dummy out of me. [Dave Hanson] You, in the back! [Mr. Myers] Excuse me! Oh my! May I help you? Oh no. [Dave Hanson] Alright, we're going up there to check this out. But first I'm taking you home Debbie. [Debbie Stone] No way! I'm going back up there with you. You can't tell me what to do. [Dave Hanson] Debbie, just listen to me, would you? [Debbie Stone] I don't have to listen to you. You are not my boyfriend anymore, alright? [Dave Hanson] Yeah, that's right. I'm not your boyfriend anymore. But it doesn't change the way I feel about you though, Debbie. [Debbie Stone] Dave, please. Don't do this to me. [Dave Hanson] Alright Debbie, you've got a choice. You either go home, or I'm going to take you back to the station and lock you up for safekeeping. How's that? [Girl] Ah, pizza. [Woman] Oh, for me? Oh, Jim, is this from you? [Dave Hanson] Look, Debbie. [Debbie Stone] May I please speak to Mike outside? [Dave Hanson] Fine. Sure. [Debbie Stone] Thank you. [Mike Tobacco] Your old boyfriend. This is great. This is just great. [Debbie Stone] Will you come here? [Mike Tobacco] He's probably going to take me up on top of the hill and shoot me! [Debbie Stone] Look, don't worry about Dave. It's those clowns you got to worry about. Listen, as soon as you guys leave here, I'm going to follow you guys up there. [Mike Tobacco] You're going to follow us up there? Debbie, I don't even want to go up there. Listen, you stay inside the house and keep the door locked. I'll be back here in a little bit to check on you. Okay? Huh? [Debbie Stone] You better. [Mike Tobacco] That was good timing. *** [Mike Tobacco] Wait a minute. Where is it? [Dave Hanson] Yeah, that's what I'd like to know, pal. [Mike Tobacco] It was right there where that hole is. [Dave Hanson] So you're saying that hole is where the tent was? The tent made that hole, is that what you're telling me? [Mike Tobacco] Yes, it was there. Look, we saw it, that's a fact. [Dave Hanson] I'll tell you what the facts are, mister. You said people are being killed, now where are the bodies? [Mike Tobacco] I don't know. I saw Joe Lombardo dead. I can only tell you what I think I saw. [Dave Hanson] Oh, so now you just think you saw? [Mike Tobacco] No, I know what I saw. I just can't prove it. My proof is gone. [Dave Hanson] Yeah, right. Turn around, pal. Mooney was right, huh? Got nothing better to do than cause problems? Well, you're not going to get away with it this time. [Mike Tobacco] Get away with what? Debbie saw it too. [Dave Hanson] Yes she did, didn't she? [Mike Tobacco] Ow! [Dave Hanson] Come on! *** [Guy] Hey, Eddie, is that a new bike you got? [Girl] What's happening, Spike? [Black Biker] Whoooo. Big bad Joe Joe coming into town. [Biker] Watch this, baby. Is that bike too big for you? Hey, Patty! Mean bike you got there. [Gang] Yeah! [Biker] Can I take a ride, pal? [Clown] [nods no] [Gang] Oh come on. Let him take a ride. [Biker] Can I beep the horn? [Clown] [nods yes] [Biker] Oh, thank you. [Black Biker] He should have let the man ride his bike. [Biker] I'm sorry. I seem to have broken your bike. [Clown] [makes crying noises and flies into the air] [Biker] Where did he go? [Clown] Put up your dukes, put up your dukes. [Biker] What are you going to do? Knock my block off? [Black Biker] Damn! [Gang] Come on! Let's get out of here. Get me out of here! BIG TOP BURGER [Waitress] Here's some more ketchup for your french fries. [Mother] Now here's some more ketchup. I want you to sit still and eat your hamburger. You know, this isn't as much fun as it used to be. [Woman] Ha ha, it is if you're the winners. [Mother] Back here, young lady. You're not going anywhere until you finish your food. TOP OF THE WORLD [Mike Tobacco] What's going on? [Dave Hanson] Alright. Get out. Turn around. [Mike Tobacco] What are you doing, man? You're not going to hit me, are you? [Dave Hanson] Look, just turn around pal, alright? [Mike Tobacco] Look, I'm sorry about Debbie, but I didn't know she was your girl ... [Dave Hanson] Just drop it, Mike. Check this out. [Mike Tobacco] That's the stuff. That's the stuff that I was telling you about, that was all wrapped around Joe Lombardo. Where did you get that? [Dave Hanson] Over in that jeep over there. [Mike Tobacco] That's McReed's jeep. [Dave Hanson] Who's McReed. [Mike Tobacco] Bob McReed. He was up here tonight with me and Debbie. Those are his glasses. They got him. He's dead. PHONE RINGS [Curtis Mooney] Crescent Cove Police Station, Mooney speaking. [Girl] Uh, I'd like to report a disturbance ... [Curtis Mooney] Wait a minute. Calm down. I can't understand you. [Woman] Clowns. A bunch of krazy klowns. They are at my front door. They are destroying property. They're frightening, and I am home alone. [Curtis Mooney] Clowns, huh? And now they're at your front door? [Woman] Yes, they're at my front door right now. [Curtis Mooney] Wait a minute, who is this? [Woman] Would you just get over here? [hangs up phone] [Curtis Mooney] Stupid kids and their pranks. Rich little bastards. I'd shoot 'em all. Daddy sends them to fancy schools so the police department can babysit them. Little pricks. PHONE RINGS [Curtis Mooney] Police Station, Mooney speaking. Yep. [Mr. Myers] Oh, Curt? I think I have a bit of a problem here. [Curtis Mooney] Ah, just a minute. PHONE RINGS [Curtis Mooney] Jesus, not you too, Mr. Myers. [Curtis Mooney] Police Station, Mooney here. [Man] I saw them, and then they took my wife, the clowns, they took my wife away in a balloon. [Curtis Mooney] Oh, they took your wife away in a balloon? Well, you don't need the police pal, you need a psychiatrist! [Curtis Mooney] Mr. Myers? [Mr. Myers] [scream!] [Curtis Mooney] Could the Terenzi brothers have the whole town in on this? Well, to hell with them all. They want to play games, they are messing with the wrong guy. [Joe] Jesus! Oh, no, oh no! Come on, Joe, get going! God! [Screams] [Dave Hanson] I'll call the State Police up in Marlboro. They've got a lab. Maybe someone up there can tell us what this stuff is. It's not cotton candy, that's for sure. [Mike Tobacco] Yes, finally, that's what I've been telling you. [Dave Hanson] Look, I'm sorry I was a little tough on you back there. It's been a hard night. Having Debbie involved just makes it a lot more difficult. [Mike Tobacco] What can I say? I didn't know she ... [Dave Hanson] It's got nothing to do with you, really. It's me. It's obvious she goes for laughs, not stability. SUNSHINE CHARTERS AND TOURS [Boy] Boo. [Girl] Oh my God. [Mike Tobacco] Look, you can just drop me off over here, I'll take the bus home. [Dave Hanson] No way, remember, you're the one who's seen these things. [Mike Tobacco] Look! A clown! Right there! There he is. I told you. Would you get out there and shoot him? Get him, Dave! Kill him! [Dave Hanson] Just hang on! Calm down! Let me check this out. [Mike Tobacco] Holy shit! [Dave Hanson] I can't believe it! [Mike Tobacco] You got to run him down! [Dave Hanson] Mike, don't. Mike, Mike. What are you doing buddy, you could have gotten both of us killed? [Mike Tobacco] I'm sorry, I freaked out a little bit. Where is he? [Dave Hanson] I don't know. I don't see him anywhere. [Mike Tobacco] He's gone. He went straight up. [Dave Hanson] I've seen enough. One Baker five. Curt, do you read me, over? [Curtis Mooney] One Baker five, this is Mooney speaking. I was a little worried about you. I thought the big bad clowns got a hold of you. Over. [Dave Hanson] Mooney, I want you to listen to me and don't say anything. I want you to call the State Police and get help. There are clowns and they are killing people. Over. [Curtis Mooney] Okay, let me get this straight. You say there are clowns and you've seen them. Okay, Dave, that's it. Screw you and your college flunkies. I've had enough of this from you and from everyone else. I know what you guys are trying to do: break me down, drive me out of the force. Well it's going to take a whole lot more than a lame prank like this to get Curtis Mooney to throw in his badge. So fuck you! Over. [Dave Hanson] Mooney, this is an emergency. Mooney! He cut me off! The son-of-a-bitch cut me off. I gotta get back to the station, I don't know what I'm going to say, but I gotta get through to the State Police. [Rich Terenzi] Forget the truck! [Paul Terenzi] What about the girls? [Rich Terenzi] Forget about the girls. They eat too much. [Paul Terenzi] That's our ice cream! [Rich Terenzi] So what, the truck's getting away! [Mike Tobacco] Hey, those aren't killer klowns, those are the Terenzi brothers. [Dave Hanson] Terenzi brothers? [Mike Tobacco] Get back to the station and radio for help. I'm going to catch up with my friends and try to warn people. [Dave Hanson] Alright, alright. Tell everyone to stay in doors and don't do anything stupid. [Mike Tobacco] You, too. [Rich Terenzi] You idiot. [Paul Terenzi] Don't yell at me -- you were driving. [Rich Terenzi] Didn't I do anything right? This whole ice cream thing was your idea. [Paul Terenzi] My idea? You're the one who said we could get girls this way. [Rich Terenzi] No I didn't, you did. [Paul Terenzi] You did. [Rich Terenzi] You did. [Paul Terenzi] You did. [Rich Terenzi] You did. [Mike Tobacco] Hey, Rich, Paul! Oh man, am I glad to see you guys. [Paul Terenzi] Mike, how you doing? You want some ice cream? We got some ... [Mike Tobacco] No. No, man, Listen. Something horrible has happened. I need your help. [Rich Terenzi] Well, what are you talking about. [Paul Terenzi] What's wrong? [Mike Tobacco] There's no time to explain. There's clowns going around killing people. Look, tonight Debbie and I were up on Top of the World, and we followed this space ship, and there were these clowns, and they were carrying these cotton candy cocoons, and they were shooting these popcorn guns, and there's a circus tent spaceship, right?, but it's not there anymore. But we were there. We saw the whole thing. [Rich Terenzi] And they say we're crazy. So? [Mike Tobacco] Come on, you guys. I'm not fooling around. [Paul Terenzi] Hey, Mike, what do you want us to do? We have ice cream to sell tonight. [Mike Tobacco] Paul, this is more important than selling ice cream! There's clowns going around killing people. We're all in danger. [Paul Terenzi] Well, I haven't sold that much ice cream tonight. [Rich Terenzi] We haven't sold any. [Mike Tobacco] Come on guys, will you help me? Look, at least take me over to Debbie's house, okay? I think she's in danger. [Rich Terenzi] Does she have any roommates? [Mike Tobacco] Yes, she's got two. She's got two beautiful roommates, with big boobs. [Paul Terenzi] Do they like ice cream? [Mike Tobacco] They love it. [Rich Terenzi & Paul Terenzi] What are we waiting for? [Mike Tobacco] Come on. [Paul] Get out of the way! [Curtis Mooney] Fuck you all. You ain't going to get the best of me. I made it through Korea, I can make it through this bullshit. Well, whoopdee-goddamn-deedoo! What do we have here? Well, son, I think you made a big mistake. You're in Mooney's territory, now. For me? I ought to shoot you right now you red-nosed freak. So you want to play games, eh? Turn around! Alright. I'm supposed to read you your rights, but you're in Mooney's jail, and you ain't got no rights. Alright, buster. God. [Punk] Hey, Officer Mooney, let us out of here. [Punk] Yeah, are we going to be here all night or what? [Punk] We get one phone call, don't we? [Punk] Right, I'm going to call my ... [Curtis Mooney] Shut up! Ha ha ha. Get your hands up. Get in there. I don't know who you are, but before this night's over you're going to be begging for mercy. [Punk] What are you in for? [Dave Hanson] Mooney! PHONE RINGS [Dave] Police Department, hello? [Dave] Mooney? Mooney, are you back here? God. [Dead Mooney] Hey, Dave. Who was that girl I saw you with last night? Don't worry, Dave, all we want to do is kill you. [Jack] D.P.C.C., this is Marlboro State Police. Dave, Curt? Are you there? Over. [Dave Hanson] Jack, Jack, we need your assistance. The town's gone crazy. People are being killed. Over. [Jack] What's all these reports about circus clowns? [Dave Hanson] These clowns aren't people. They're some kind of, they are some kind of creatures, things from another planet. Look, Jack, they're killing people. Officer Mooney is dead. I know, I saw him. He was killed by one of these things. Could you send all available units immediately please? Over. Come on, Jack! [Jack] Okay, calm down, buddy. Help is on the way. [Dave] [thinking] Debbie. [Paul Terenzi] Calling all clowns, calling all clowns. This is Joe Joe. Are there any space clowns out there? Ha ha ha ha ha. [Mike Tobacco] You guys, will you stop fooling around? [Rich Terenzi] Look, Mike, come on. Cocoons?, popcorn guns?, monster shadows?, whoooo, what do you think we are? [Paul Terenzi] You know, we're not as stupid as we look. [Rich Terenzi] This isn't the first wild thing you've tried to put over on us. [Paul Terenzi] Look, do you remember Hidden Lake? [Mike Tobacco] Oh come on, forget Hidden Lake. This has nothing to do with Hidden Lake. [Rich Terenzi] Oh, we would have to be total morons to believe this clown invasion crap. [Paul Terenzi] Yeah, if there are killer klowns running around here, then I'm Porky Pig. LOADING ZONE [Mike Tobacco] Let's get the hell out of here! [Clown] Debbie, Debbie, it's Mike, open up! [Debbie Stone] Mike? [Clown] Debbie, Debbie, Debbie ... [Mike Tobacco] Okay, you see this white house over here? Take a right, I mean a left right here. [Rich Terenzi] Left? [Mike Tobacco] Right. [Rich Terenzi] Right. [Mike Tobacco] No left, left! The house is right up, uh ... Holy shit! What is that? [Rich Terenzi] Wow, look at that! [Debbie Stone] Mike! [Mike Tobacco] Come on! We can't lose them! They got Debbie! [Dave Hanson] Hey, Mike! [Mike Tobacco] Come on, Rich, we're losing them. Can't you go a little bit faster? [Rich Terenzi] Come on, Mike, what do you want? This is an ice cream truck. [Paul Terenzi] Hey, Rich. The cops. Stop the truck! Shit, Rich, now you did it! [Rich Terenzi] I did it? What do you mean? You told me to stop! [Terenzi] No, I didn't. I told you to pull over! [Rich Terenzi] No, you didn't, you said stop, so I stopped! [Paul Terenzi] Well, I meant pull over. [Paul Terenzi] Come on, let's go see what happened. [Mike Tobacco] Dave, are you okay? [Dave Hanson] Oh, God. What the hell are you guys doing? [Mike Tobacco] They got Debbie. [Dave Hanson] Get in the truck, pal! [Rich Terenzi] Gee, officer, I'm really sorry. I was feeling a little queasy ... [Dave Hanson] Mike, which way were they heading? [Mike Tobacco] They went that way, but now we lost them, I don't know where they went. [Dave Hanson] I do. If you were a clown, where would you hide? [Mike Tobacco] The amusement park! [Paul Terenzi] Great! [Rich Terenzi] Alright! [Security guard] The park's closed. I'll have to ask you to leave. What are you going to do with those pies, boys? [Dave Hanson] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Everybody stick together. [Mike Tobacco] She's gone. [Rich Terenzi] Hey, you guys. This is weird. Look at this stuff. [Paul Terenzi] Looks like a wad of melted ice cream. [Dave Hanson] Yeah, well it's not. [Rich Terenzi] Oh shit. [Dave Hanson] Come on. [Dave Hanson] Mike, you take this. Follow me. All right now, you guys, no fooling around. Stick together, okay? I wonder what the hell is in here. [Rich Terenzi] Ooooooh, scary! [Mike Tobacco] Dave, did you call for help? [Dave Hanson] Yeah, yeah, help is on the way. [Mike Tobacco] Did you tell them it was an invasion? [Dave Hanson] I told them, but I don't really believe it myself. Where did they come from? Why are they here? Why -- why clowns? [Mike Tobacco] They are not clowns. Some kind of animals in the world that look like clowns. Shit, Dave, Dave -- maybe they are the ancient astronauts, you know, that came to our planet centuries ago, and our idea of clowns comes from them. [Dave Hanson] Well, how come they're not funny? [Rich Terenzi] Maybe they are from a dying planet. Maybe their sun pooped out, and they need a new place to live. [Mike Tobacco] Maybe they are using us for experiments to dissect and study. [Dave Hanson] So that means they are intelligent. So why don't they communicate with us? I mean, talk to us, instead of killing us? [Paul Terenzi] Maybe they are just cruising through the galaxy and stopped here for a bite to eat. [Dave Hanson] Yeah, well, look everybody, let's just hold off on the talking, okay? Let's not give ourselves away. [Mike Tobacco] What are we going to do when we find them? Can we kill them? [Dave Hanson] Yeah. You shoot them in the nose. [Rich Terenzi] Hey, watch this. [Paul Terenzi] Cool. [Dave Hanson] What happened? [Paul Terenzi] I didn't do anything! [Dave Hanson] Look, don't touch anything, okay? This place is probably booby-trapped. Alright now, look, you guys. Stay together. I don't want to have to run around and find you two. [Rich Terenzi] No problem. We can handle it. [Dave Hanson] Yeah. Alright. Let's go. Ah, where'd they go? Come on, Rich, Paul. [Mike Tobacco] Hey, don't worry about the Terenzi brothers. They do this all the time. Those guys are like cats -- they always land on their feet. [Paul Terenzi] Are you Debbie's roommates? [Mike Tobacco] Wait a second. I recognize this place. This is the tent that Debbie and I were in. Come on. [Dave Hanson] Let's go, Mike. [Mike Tobacco] Okay, this is where we were before. [Dave Hanson] Oh, this is incredible. [Mike Tobacco] Looks like they've got the whole town. [Dave Hanson] We gotta find her. What color balloon was she in? [Mike Tobacco] Uh, yellow. [Dave Hanson] Alright. You see anything, Mike? [Mike Tobacco] No. [Dave Hanson] It's impossible, Mike. Shhh, quiet. Move back. [Mike Tobacco] Paul was right, man. They are hungry. They're going to eat everybody, man! [Dave Hanson] Just calm down. Just calm down. Alright? We've got to find Debbie before it's too late. Alright. Hey, that's the one, the yellow balloon. Is she in there? [Mike Tobacco] Yeah, she's in there. [Dave Hanson] Debbie? [Mike Tobacco] She's alive. How do we get her out of there? [Dave Hanson] I don't know. Careful, Mike. [Mike Tobacco] Damn it! [Dave Hanson] Debbie? Honey. Hang on a second, Mike. [Mike Tobacco] What are you doing? [Dave Hanson] Just stand back, Mike. [Mike Tobacco] You can't shoot, you could kill her. [Dave Hanson] Just back off, alright? Now, just get ready to run. Are you alright? Are you okay? [Debbie Stone] Yeah, yeah. I couldn't breathe. [Dave Hanson] It's all over. Mike, hold her a minute. God! We got to get the hell out of here! Come on, come on, come on. Wait a second guys. We can't leave. There might be other people still alive in these balloons. [Mike Tobacco] Come on! It's too late! [Debbie Stone] Dave! [Mike Tobacco] Shoot him! He's coming this way. Come on! What now? [Dave Hanson] Everybody down. [Mike Tobacco] You don't know what's down there. [Dave Hanson] Come on, Mike. [Debbie Stone] Nobody's going to put me in a balloon again. [Dave Hanson] Come on, Mike. Get a move on. How come you guys stopped here? Good reason. [Mike Tobacco] Okay, which way do we go? [Dave Hanson] Does it really matter? [Debbie Stone] Let's go down here. [Dave Hanson] Alright, come on. Come on, let's try here. [Debbie Stone] No! [Dave Hanson] Come on. Be careful. Come on. [Mike Tobacco] Shit! Another door! [Debbie Stone] I can't take this anymore! [Dave Hanson] Come on! Open the door! [Mike Tobacco] Another door! [Dave Hanson] Come on, Mike! [Mike Tobacco] Another door? Another door? [Debbie Stone] Hurry! [Mike Tobacco] Debbie, come on. Dave, come on. [Dave Hanson] Close the door, Mike! [Debbie Stone] Here, here! [Dave Hanson] Oh, God! [Debbie Stone] Look at this place. Where do we go now? [Dave Hanson] Come on, let's go. Okay, everyone. Up on top! Come on, let's move! Come on! [Debbie Stone] Hurry! [Mike Tobacco] Hey Rich, Paul! [Rich Terenzi] Give me the microphone! I am the great and powerful Joe Joe. I command you to stop. Do not hurt them. Let them go. You will obey me! Let them go. [Mike Tobacco] Rich, Paul! Man, am I glad to see you guys. [Dave Hanson] Come on, let's go. Get in the truck! Let's go. Come on, Mike. Come on, Debbie. Come on, Rich! [Rich Terenzi] I'm trying! [Paul Terenzi] Turn it the right way. [Rich Terenzi] I am. I'm doing it. [Dave Hanson] Come on, Rich. [Paul Terenzi] Pull the starter. [Dave Hanson] What the hell is that? [Paul Terenzi] I don't want to play here anymore. Can we go home now? [Dave Hanson] Just get out of here. Come on. Everyone out of the truck. Come on! [Paul Terenzi] We can't! It's rented! [Mike Tobacco] Hey, Rich! Paul! [Dave Hanson] No, Mike! It's too late, Bud. Look, there's a way out now. Mike, take Debbie. Get her out of here. I'll draw its attention. [Debbie Stone] No, Dave! Don't! We can all make it! [Dave Hanson] No we can't, Debbie! Get her out of here, Mike. [Mike Tobacco] What are you doing? [Dave Hanson] Now, Mike. [Debbie Stone] Dave! [Dave] Come on, guys, move! Run for help! [Mike Tobacco] Let's go! [Dave Hanson] Over here! Come on, you damn clown! Come on, you! [Mike Tobacco] Come on! They are taking off! [Debbie Stone & Mike] Dave! Oh! [Mike Tobacco] You made it! You got 'em, man! [Paul Terenzi] Wow! What a ride! [Rich Terenzi] That's the last time we let you drive! [Mike Tobacco] You're alive! [Paul Terenzi] Yeah! [Mike Tobacco] But I saw you guys get blown up in the ice cream truck. [Rich Terenzi] Oh, that! We hid in the freezer with the ice cream. [Paul Terenzi] Yeah, anyone want a dipsicle? [Rich Terenzi] Oh, you, with your ice cream! [Paul Terenzi] What? [Rich Terenzi] How are we going to pay for the truck? [Paul Terenzi] Don't blame me, it was your idea! [Rich Terenzi] No, it wasn't. You're the one who said we could get girls this way. [Paul Terenzi] No I didn't, you said we could. [Rich Terenzi] I did not. [Paul Terenzi] Listen, if it wasn't for me, you'd be a dead french fry. [Rich Terenzi] Oh, yeah. Well, you'd be a dead popsicle. [Debbie Stone] Do you think it's over? [Mike Tobacco] Yeah, sure. CAST Mike Tobacco: GRANT CRAMER |
